"Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"

I think im finally over the over stressed n depressed phase. at the end of the day, i felt somethin inside my head hoppin up n down with joy or happiness. couldnt tell y tho. its a tuesday, damn slack, almost felt like a holiday. compared to yesterday, very contrastin sch life in juz 2 days. tho i've gotta say maths was a bore, tryin to keep still durin 2 periods wasnt too comfortable. but we finally finished watchin 'Meet The Parents' later on in ME so tt was quite hilarious. Physics was better! we discussed prelim qtns for 1 perioid, n the other period was basically spent on listenin to Mr Mannan's hilarious experiences with computers and NS life. everyone juz got restless once he started talkin phy n when he diverted, everyone would stop to listen n all. but my god, we were laughin till we cried.

got a lot of stuff to discuss tonight. so i'm gonna press the issue.

first one, about the rapin of a girl by 7 English Premier League stars.

*Section removed/censored in order to prevent myself from gettin into legal problems*

second issue for today.. rather provocative n mayb im bein a little too sensitive...

but i noticed... some ppl.. in sch or in public places... they 'know' they're bein looked at or somethin, n they behave in such a way like they're so in a league of their own. ok, u might think i've bein too absolute. but when u actually observe the same person doin tt more than a number of times, u can help but notice such irritatin gesture. suppose i'm sittin down in the caf, ppl naturally would walk past. by normal standards, its 50-50 tt someone passin by looks into ur eyes n u look back. tt's perfectly normal. then in a flash, we look away kinda thin. i mean, if they arent someone u know, its unlikely tt u maintain eye contact. but these ppl, they NEVER look. its so weird. u can tell that they know ure lookin at them coz they keep such a fake straight face n pretend to walk past n didnt see u. i'm not talkin bt girls, but guys as well. its almost like, y r u lookin at me, i'm too gd or too cool for u. i get so disgusted by this. i can pin point certain individuals in sch, who ive noticed does it all the time. i dunno if its juz me or them, but u cant help but feel sad for em in a way. think u got class? think again. mayb u dont. u juz think u do.

came back home rather early, coz its tuesday, showered, coz it was so darn hot n i was sweatin mad once again. once i was done with tt, got down to my work for today; do 3 SAT maths papers. its a pain in the butt, coz i gotta analyse my mistakes n all after markin everythin. the scores were quite the same. 630 for first, 690 for second, 670 for last. i guess SAT is a pretty gd way to see ur standard, coz u get wat u r capable of. doesnt improve much nor deprove.

while takin one of the breaks in between the tests, came across one of those personality test n gotta say, this one speaks v well of me. in fact, i think its one of my best description i've ever come across.

i was v surprised at the result, but after readin, i kinda agreed. yea, this is me.


Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
some of u might not b able to read this, so here is the same thing.

'you are the rock, the keystone of your friends n family. they look to you for support n leadership. you dont push for devotion or attention but when the situation is dire, even the idols n exhibitionists will turn to you. you are the trusted the loved. you have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type and are fiercely devoted to your friends n lovers. highy idealistic you would rather sacrifice everythin for a person or cause you believe in. but you trust so deeply n compassionately that a betrayal could shatter you. jealousy is your downfall and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamored. be careful who you place your trust in, for a protector's broken heart will never fully heal. the world needs more of you but you are few. and sometimes it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders'

"I'm the king of the castle
and you're the girl that I stole
Crash into me
Crash into me, yeah"

My god, I've never been so bored n tortured in school like today in my entire life. It started out ok, finally gettin that Phy p3 back, got 62 outta 110, if not for careless mistakes, i couldve done better, but tt's always the case. so over all, well, after moderation of 12 mks out of 310 that Mr. Mannan so-called 'fought' for, got 61. Tt's a C to an upper end. Hmm... its not excellent, but yea, juz ok. He says I should get an A in A's so that's very encouragin. I was sweatin like mad while he went through some of the answers coz the air con was bein used for the hall coz J1s were havin exams n all. i was like, so sticky n restless by the first period, imagine. pulled my trousers up to my knees n tie undone, sittin in class like a zombie. Then it was chem. oooh i did so well. muahaha. well, i pretty much gave up on chem b4 the prelims even got started so i didnt expect much. but i'm on the way to gettin an O instead of a F i expected, if i get 14/40 for p1. (mcq hasnt been marked yet, i mean, its only passin it through the machine man...) the next almost 2 hrs were spent on goin through the paper which i juz couldnt pay attention anymore coz of the humidity n warmth. so it was sheer torture sittin dow there doin nothin waitin for time to pass. i was so bored i was derivin maths formulas of trigonometry n provin sin3x cos3x n bla bla bla. but tt didnt help either so i was calculatin my prelim marks in all ways u can think of. i had so much time to do tt n still stone. u wouldnt realise how ecstatic i felt when it was finally over. but worse was yet to come with GP. its funny if u look at my script, coz i did pass my essay section, but failed terribly for compre. its v contrasting. goin back to class n goin through compre paper was v borin. n it was so hot again i was startin to sweat once more. i was again so delighted at the end, coz i was finally gonna talk to Mr Mannan bout University application, which we were supposed to talk about ages ago.

well, it didnt exactly turn out the way i expected, we juz merely talked abt my options n application process. i tot he was gonna tell me specifically about certain stuff, but nah. Mr Mannan is a great person to talk to, in terms of academic, or juz talkin bt normal stuff. v few teachers r like tt. he can talk as tho he's ur good friend n u dont feel tt wall tt usually exists between a student and a teacher. got to know some interestin informations regardin grades n stuff as well. supposedly 30% to 40% of phy students takin A's in Singapore gets A so its v attainable, not as bad as i thought. i asked if SA was lenient in some marking n all, but it juz so happened certain qtns were juz easy, some were too hard so there wasnt much of a balance. u'll b surprised tt our grades r affected by economy. yes seriously. As and Bs might b comparatively easier in phy cozthe country might wanna encourage more engineers in the industry n thus, set the median lower n all tt stuff. i tot it was only in Singapore, but not necessarily so. he does agree to a certain extent tt its not gd, but he has his reservations regardin this issue. a lot of eye openin issues.

well, he juz told me to keep lookin n observe carefully coz accordin to his experience, u can transfer fields if ure an engineer, but once ure somethin else, u cant b an engineer. so i can keep my options open bt business. one funny thin, he said he cant do business coz he cant imagine tryin to sell a product tt costs 2 bucks for say 10 bucks coz he feels guilty. he might sell it was 2 or even cheaper, resultin in losses. haha, hows tt? i found tt so hilarious but he was so honest with himself about the principles. he really is an amazin man.

yea.. so hot, so sweaty. i juz wanted to go home n sleep coz i couldnt take it anymore. i tell ya, if everyday until next wk's gonna b like this, i so wouldnt come to sch anymore.

i had to get started on my SAT prep. easiest stuff to handle, maths. i did the diagnostics from the guide tt i have to get it started. not too gd. estimated score 620 tonight. boy, i need to do somethin abt tt. n tts at the comfort of drinks in my own room, not under standard conditions where i hav to shade answers n at the same time answerin them. ah well, i can roughly see where i need improvements n start workin on those b4 i go for the dreaded verbal. sch ends rather early, so i'll come back n do three more test prep for maths n see how i do overall. its rather simple. i should b able to do 3 if i try to manage time properly. coz i take quite a lot of time analysin the qtns i missed n got wrong n makin like a table of need to improve stuff n all the figures i use for my own analysis. i like doin in depth analysis of these stuff. so if i juz get through the analysis part fast, then i should do 3 papers. another 3 for the next 2 days n i should start practin for the weak areas b4 i move on to verbal.

goin through prelims n preppin for As made me realise how much easier preppin for SAT for the American high school students r. some go in wif juz SAT. quite a lot does AP, tts somethin like As but much simpler, but man, theres like no stress at all involved. wat kinda life r we leadin...

Hmm.. okay, pretty tired n exhausted coz of so much inactivity today. o, the girl who commented bt my nose n eyes happened to smile n say hi to me, all of a sudden. tt was kinda surprisin but it was nice. lit up my borin day for a little while.

"I was reborn
When I was broken
I wouldn't believe
I wouldn't believe, no"

Okay, I'm gettin through the depression stage bit by bit. I'm past the low, now goin up. Lemme see wat happened today...
Hmm, woke up around 10, when i realised i was sweatin mad coz somehow aircon was switched off. mayb the power went out durin the night. nice little breakfast while i digested the new look sunday times. i think its all messed up. sports section is in the middle when i should b easily available on a weekend. ah well i guess gotta get used to it. i was lookin forward to readin the stuff about Devon Aoki, the weird lookin model from 2 Fast 2 Furious, but tt was juz a promo design. shucks. they say shes a funnyface, but she can look v v beautiful in certain shots.

Yea.. then i did this thing, the redesignin of blog. it was mostly cut n paste from out layout n shiftin n movin about n readjustin of some parameters, so not much of a job. surfed around for a little while.

Sports update! A.C. Fiorentina, once bankrupt n ditched from Italy's finest, records first victory in Serie B. Promotion back to the big time next season might b pushin hopes a little too far, but i think its very possible in 4 yrs time. To english first division... West Ham draws with Millwall, but very close to top few. Them gettin play off spot is a minimum if u ask me. Just hope Newcastle wont b the one exchangin Premiership status with them come end of this season. Baseball.. Red Sox secures AL Wild Card... One more game n off for first post season since 99? Its been long. Post season starts against Oakland Athletics, with Martinez startin, should b able to win first few series. Its always the AL Championship we gotta worry, when its most likely the Yankees blockin the way to World Series. I mean, we're in the same division for christ's sake, theres no tougher division in the whole of baseball than two of the best teams in the country vyin for tt one spot to post season.

Erm, okay, tt was unnecessary. Wat else... Was just lazin around, tryin to get physical rest from yesterdays rigours, feelin strain on my back n heel. gotta watch it, i might not b able to play in tip top condition next wk. So after watchin more tv n surfin, went down for 'light' soccer. yea, today was light, but the kids actin so smart almost ticked me off. one thing u might ask. kids? yea, i'm referrin kids as in the kiddies who live in my estate. most r around 11 to 15 years of age. u might b thinkin, jeez walid, get a life. well, i mean, i dont care who i play soccer with, even tho they're kids. to me, its a way of buildin up fitness n technique coz kids r more unpredictable when it comes to things like soccer. they can kick from anywhere anytime n u gotta b awake for any scenario. its juz fun playin wif em coz theyre playin to have fun. its cool to nibble the ball around short small legs kickin n tuggin at ya n i guess my ball control gets better tt way. anyway, today, the kids talked like they knew soccer inside out, i was on verge of snappin i just showed em a little of the rougher side of soccer n just quipped 'u wanna play soccer properly yea? fine, lets play then' n they juz shut up. i mean, i know theyre only kids, but there r limits. we had only 4 ppl playin in our team, them havin like 7, 8. now, no matter how gd one side may b, u cant expect outnumberin. it juz puts physical strain on us. it means we gotta run more, move more n play harder. n those kids were still complainin. every single mistake we made, every incomplete pass we made, they had somethin to say. so, yea, me, obviously bein in a bad mood for past few days, wit this not makin any better when i hoped for a nice time, just took the ball n went around their whole team n blasted the ball. shut em up for a while when they realised i was takin none of the nonsense. soon, it became kinda worse, so i just played like a tickin bomb, about to burst anytime, but i had it under control. the others were lookin at me, cautious not to do anythin wrong.

i can b pretty bad when i snap. i hardly lose my cool, but when i do, everythin comes out. ppl will get to see a side of me they never imagined b4. n its doesnt happen often, so most still dont know abt this. besides, i hardly let if out on a person, so yea.. once i did take it out on a person few yrs back. this guy kept kickin at my legs n once, i felt like he intentionally went for my face, i dunno if he really was or was it an accident, i grabbed the bugger n threw him to the ground n blasted at him "dont mothafuckin do that again u piece of shit!" or somethin n there was this dead silence everywhere. haha, see, ppl think i'm this normal calm guy, never expected me to blow like tt.

ah well, it happens doesnt it. when everyone got bored of playin, i just took the ball n kept hittin hard shots. part of me was practicin possible free kicks in the match next wk, part of me was juz tryin to bend frustration on the ball. ended up hurtin my toes, but tts juz me. i did feel a little better n was happy i had some gd shots.

i guess one regret will b this episode while playin soccer. i shifted to bein in defence after pumpin in couple of goals. so i was near this walk path leadin from swimmin pool as well as the carpark. i noticed this girl was walkin towards us. i've seen her b4. if i'm not wrong, then i suppose shes my age, if not mayb 21 or 22. she doesnt look local. probably an indonesian, a typical look, i might add. one of those rich family's dear daughter. it seemed like she had a class. i dunno if poly has classes on sundays or mayb it was a private sch. or mayb she was juz comin back home after she went out. anyway, she was walkin towards us, stopped in her tracks, then went back towards the car park lift. then while i was playin, i noticed she walkin towards us again. i looked at her, our eyes kinda crossed (i think), then she turned away yet again. i dun usually take note of such stuff, so i juz continued playin. but then, u noe when this kinda thing happens, u cant help but look back, n there i think she was, lookin at me yet again. now i was thinkin, okay, one, y is she lookin at me, two, wats she doin juz standin there, three, unlikely, but wat, she's actually lookin at me coz she fancies me? nah, come on... i'm pretty bad at these kinda stuff, usually neglect it so my chances pass by. haha, today couldve been another one of that. well, after couple of eye contacts, she decided to move on the the unit tt's inside the estate. it so happened my goalie wasnt payin attention n let in a stupid goal. then as she was walkin past, i cursed at the goalie n told em to pay attention n all. slap slap. bad move. if by any chance she did actually fancy me, then there goes my chance huh. cursin right infront of her wouldve so put up a gd impression. walid 0 stupidity 1. ah well. its not the first time. these kinda stuff rarely happen but when it does i juz gotta press the wrong switch all the time.

i think i'm bein too hopeful tho. i mean, y would she wanna look at me. but the thing is, we've seen eachother b4 n we did hav eye contact previously. so i was led to perceive.... ah fuck it. doesnt make any diff does it. even if somethin has happened, wat would hav happened after tt? things like suddenly goin out, havin a gd time n shit like tt happen only in bks n movies, how could i expect them. haha, stupid me.

nah, even if it happened, i couldnt. not now anyway.

blah blah. sch starts again tomorrow. i got 4 periods of chem n double period GP. a perfect day to kill urself at the start of the week. but wats new.

been listenin to a lot of 'scream' rock. makes me feel gd. it like gettin tt anger outta ur mind. theres this song by blindspot 'nil by mouth' n three days grace 'i hate everythin about you' as well as limp bizkit's 'eat you alive.' all feels v gd when u need to get rid of tt anger n fury in u. some classic examples r zach de la rocha of Rage, Korn, Limp Bizkit amongst others. sometimes i listen to slow moody songs to calm myself, if not, i resort to hard rock, metal music to burn it all up. its workin!

hmm.. ok i better stop. ive been typin all these in the dark. everyones asleep at home n the monitor's like the only bright thing in the whole house. but ive managed to type all these in the dark without lookin at the keyboard. haha, amazin wat kinda things u pick up after so much computin.

A new look once again!

Whoa... okay, I have been fiddling around with setting of this new skin that I found since last night and finally managed to put whatever things I wanted the way I wanted. Looks very neat and clean. Such a fresh look. The only problem might be that its so black, but I guess I'm okay with that.

So fresh and so clean...

"Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day"

Hmm... I'm bloggin now as I'm listenin to my own mix of songs that i made prior to my visit to the states this june. I've gotta say its one of the best mix CD i've ever made. It contains the soulful voices of Maxwell, Norah Jones, Vanessa Carlton and John Mayer among others. Its basically a compilation of songs I consider 'lounge' n all. Those music you play after midnite when u're juz sittin wif ur mates n all or juz reflecting. since i'm reflectin now, it serves a great companion. n the lyrics to most of the songs r nice too. the one above is taken from Avril Lavigne's "Tomorrow."
I was just listening to Massive Attack's "Teardrop" as well as Norah Jone's "Come Away With Me" and that makes me feel really at peace.

Didnt watch the game last night. When I first woke up, it was 0230 hrs. Maths starts at 0300. So I went back to sleep. Next things, its 0525. Match's long finished. So I went back to sleep n woke up at 1100. Man, that wasnt gd. I had study plan for today n i blew the morning. it didnt help tt Newcastle lost, yet again, 2-3, this time a penalty goin against our way as supposedly Jenas committed a handball after being pushed by a player. Ah well, wats new.

I woke up feelin quite fucked. So i just sat down, had a quiet breakfast while readin the papers n chilled till 12. I was all set, but my body wasnt exactly functionin well, so took another hour to set stuff right. i think i put extra pressure on my arm durin the night coz i was feelin a nerve irritation on my right arm. it jus accumulates pain till i couldnt take it anymore. tt went off bit by bit n i finally got down for serious stuff. I'm quite happy tt i managed to do basic revision for thermal chemistry, electrochemistry, chemical n ionic equilibrium as well as reaction kinetics. Tt means in the past few nights, i've more or less done basic readin of inorganic n physical chem except juz for chemical bondin. i'm quite happy. but whether i've really learnt from them will b proven next wk when i attempt actual qtns. i might have to restudy electrochem. but all n all, gd productivity for today.

still feelin quite dazed n glum from yesterday, but couldve been shite worse. i guess the music n bloggin n some contacts in the net has made me feel a little better.

to get the physical jadedness out, played a little soccer. i didnt sweat like this for quite some time. pretty calm moves, flicks here n there. ive got a council match on 10th, but not sure whether i should play. i've got SAT the next morning n i dont wanna b tired followin the match. SAT verbal's bt concentration, a part i lacked which resulted in shit marks for verbal. i guess i'll see bout tt.

as usual, premiership weekend. gonna watch couple of matches tonight. usually i would take a break on sunday, but might do a little chem to finish up physical chem n some maths. mayb i should go get one french movie for the evening.

monday's gonna b another screwed up day. this time, i should get everythin back. mayb not chem. ah well y worry bt grades anymore, like it makes a diff.

"Live while you can,
Don't you see your dreams right in the palm of your hand
right in the palm of your hand,
right in the palm of your hand.

Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by"

"You beat your head upon your wall
You disconnect yourself from it all
Cause you know that you're so beautiful and so untouchable
And I want to get in so bad and I don't know how
And I don't know how"

I believe that everyone has an artist or a band that they can listen to that makes them feel better, even in times of despair, sadness, anger, ecstacy, etc. For me, that particular band thats the cure-all would be the Goo Goo Dolls. I'm feelin so fucked right now, but when i pop their album into my discman n start listening to them, it makes me feel as if i'm in a totally different world, receivin comfort juz for myself. n at tt instand, nothin else matters to u except for the music n urself. I dont know how to describe the effect fully, but it makes u feel so good, so calm, so serene. Its the only remedy that i can seek for in times like these.

What i did not post last night is a major news tt might affect me greatly in weeks to come. there's this cousin tt i have livin in Bangladesh, who hasnt even turned one if i'm not wrong, if not, two. he has some growth problem. so their family, who is related to my mom's side (the mother's a cousin of my mom, so tt makes the kids second generation cousins in a way) came over durin the SARS outbreak, tt i remember distinctively coz i was muggin for BT 1 at tt time. one look at the baby, n u could tell somethin was wrong wit him, but other than tt he was ok. juz tt he cried way too often n looked sick. after some testin n tryin to see whether there was excess fluid in his head, it was juz said tt he was sufferin from malnutrition. a big phew, coz tt can b resolved. so the family went back, fearin the SARS outbreak tt was drivin SG nuts. 2 days ago, my mom went to the doc to get a report for him or somethin n she received a bad news bt him. they said tt if his growth problem persists, he might not live long. brain development is everythin durin infancy. she juz cried n i couldnt do anythin. wat was i to do? this was a baby, to whom i was lookin forward to come back from sch juz to look n play n care for him. n his life was bein torn away coz of reasons yet unknown. the doc said tt they'll b havin phase to phase analysis but tt's not gonna b possible wit them goin back to Bangladesh. tt place is a hell lot worse place to raise a kid wif all the pollution n all. mayb tt's y. but i dont get it. how could they not detect this earlier? how could they not tell the signs earlier? its not easy, fine, but y? i'm juz askin the qtns as i go on. went to the mosque, really prayed tt somethin b done. if i'm to really believe in a religion, then the time is now, if somethin happens miraculously, then tt proves theres tt someone up there, or isnt there?

i'm afraid the process might dog me down in weeks to come, hopefully not durin the A's. there might b another scenario i gotta deal wit. tt's my proudly 102 yr old great grandpa, of my mom's family. accordin to my mom, he's rather doin badly as well n he might not make it till i get to go to Bangladesh after my A's. he's one of the most respected academic in Bangladesh, as I'm told. another generation up the ladder is another greatly respected man throughout the nation, someone great enough to b on the national stamp. i've got one kept at home. my family ladder seems v solid in terms of academic supremacy. is tt blood runnin in my streams? i'm led to believe tt's a no.

JC has effectively killed my interest in chemistry. honestly speakin, i can only study for physics n maths right now. the only factor tt'll determine my grades for chem in the A's will b my ability to 'memorise' organic chemistry. at the rate i'm goin, as ive said tons of times b4 in my previous blogs, i'll b happy wif CCC. i'm aimin for an A or B for phy, cant expect much for maths as As n the Bs will b taken up by those who does Further Maths n the other non FM maths maestros, n i'm not tt established in maths, but i'll try for a B or C. so tt leaves me with chem, tt's the memory subject i have. i'll try my best in the next 2 mths, coz i hope tt'll b the last i see of memory work. i finally passed GP albeit after moderation. so dependin on how it goes, coz i've not got all my papers back yet, i am currently lookin at COCOA. tt's if i manage to get an O for chem, but i'm likely to get a F tt's v close to an O. What the fuck am i doin. i've been doin a lot of maths practice n lot of readin for chem n i hope tt continues coz its buildin me up. if i go at this rate, i think i'll do juz ok. but juz ok isnt gd enough. i need more.

i was feelin very glum today, i hav no idea y. ive got no reason to b except tt its a bloody friday. we didnt get our phy p3 back, i didnt get to talk to Mr Mannan, we didnt get all of chem back (21.5/60 for P2, 37/75 for chem prac, was told markin was harsh) n the only gd thing was gettin to know our GP grade b4 monday. other than tt, u could see me not bein interested in life at all. ppl say prison kills a man. well, the prison is the school for me now n its killin me goin to sch to do nothin coz i cant do stuff at my own plan, own pace. juz get me outta this dump, i'll shout. i rather b at home studyin n practicin. tt contributed a lot to my stonin durin gp, my mind wonderin somewhere else while the teacher went through in depth analysis of the essay qtns. i passed my essay, but failed terribly in compre. ah well. after chem lesson, i left for mosque to never return. chem double period lect was juz torture to even consider.

Junwen came back today, n Junli finished her exams so i tot i could use some company. so i met Junwen after prayers for lunch at Farrer Market, him tellin me his great time at San Francisco n his renowned determination for everythin. way to go man, u can do it, keep tt fire alive. tt'll get u through hardest of times. Went over to Holland Village to meet up with Junli, who was obviously ecstatic tt her prelims ended, havin a whole wk of holiday to destress b4 the results n the eventual revision sinks in once again. seein how the two were so happy wif their lives right now, i decided i should keep the rigours to myself. i mean, y should i pull em down along wif me when their life's at a high? i hav my own ups n downs n i can deal wif tt myself too. its juz a phase, i'll pass it soon. but wat i did realise was tt tho i tried my best to talk up n stir up interestin conversation, my mind frequently popped outta my physical self. at moments, i could definately swear tt i could stare down at myself juz stonin while Junwen n Junli talked. i was tired, moody, stressed, worried, everythin u can think of.

someone might die, i might screw up, runnin outta time, physically n mentally need a break....

was supposed to go watch Forbidden City wit couple of ppl tonight, but we couldnt get the tickets. Marc suggested we go for dinner, which i was okay with. but wif the state of condition today, i juz coudnt make myself go. under normal circumstances, i wouldve gone gladly. but somehow, i didnt feel like it. not only tt, my dad's in Bangladesh right now, n he wouldnt like me to b outside havin dinner rather than lookin after my mom n bro at home. i've got a duty n responsibility too. i didnt feel it was right, while i supposed the trio of Denise, Koustav n Marc enjoyed, i didnt wanna bring the ambience down wif my condition. i juz decided to go home n rest.

i'm not complainin. everyone deals wif this every now n then. juz tt mine happened to pass now. not at a gd time.

another bombshell. Zeeshan, my classmate, a gd friend, SAJC's cricket captain, captain of under-19 national cricket team, paki, etc, etc.... is attached to Lin Yan, a fellow councillor! Zee had told me since OBS tt they were on gd terms, but i would've never expected the two to go 'together.' seein them today talkin n leavin sch, i could not help but feel happy for em. tts another attachment within my circle. off goes Junwen, Lionel, Zee, Utkarsh, Adeline, Clarisse, Wayne etc etc. its gd tt they've got some close company to spend some intimacy wit. i long for tt. but somehow i cant put my own pieces together. i dunno if i'm afraid to make the move or juz think it wont change much. besides, i'm leavin v soon, which makes no pt in me bein attached, esp when u gotta consider i'm uncertain bt comin back here. n overseas stuff r so hard to maintain. not tt i dun wanna, i'll definately put my all to it. its juz i guess the elements arent set in the right conditions yet. n i'm pretty much ok wif the way things r, coz even if somethin were to happen, these things wont change much n our lives will go on as per normal.

tts not wats botherin me. to realise tt someone close to u, or someone u considered close to u had been experiencin episodes of great amuse, struck me today. Junli supposedly has a friend who does stuff to himself tt sometimes even she was lost at wat to do. i personally was v surprised at this statement. how could i not know? y hadnt i asked? y didnt she tell me b4? when u find out stuff tt ur friends hasnt told u b4, u cant help but feel, hav i been so out of touch or could i juz not hav tot of these stuff? i'm not a gd conversationist, if theres such a word. i guess my relation wif my best friend, Hazril, has made me a listener rather than a talker. so i love to hear ppl talk to me. analyse their exp in my head n make them part of my own. tt's wat makes me today. ppls exp, converted to make it seem like i've experienced. hence, i usually tell ppl, if theyve got an issue, come talk to me, i'll juz listen n help u out if i can. but it isnt easy. ppl wont juz come up to u n talk. u gotta initiate the conversation. i cant do tt. n i think tts the reason y i'm missin out on a lot of ppl's stuff. ive always wanted to b tt somebody's friend u can juz talk to. i wanna get to tt level to everyone, but tt's technically not possible. so it kinda struck me findin out Junli had kept this traumatic episode from me. i dont blame u, dont worry Junli. its juz tt i feel i couldve done somethin. i kinda get upset when my close friends dont tell me stuff knowin they can talk to me, but they juz wont. i know its my job to go ask em wats wrong b4 they can tell me stuff. i hate to see ppl suffer on their own by keepin things entirely to em. its not right. so i let myself b the one who ppl can talk to, so tt at least ppl can feel a little better, knowin there's someone who cares to know n listen.

i guess my condition today wasnt the best of time to do such stuff. i was feelin so jaded after everythin, i got home, showered n had a nice 2-3 hrs sleep. when i woke up i felt so fucked i was swayin to the bathroom. but yea, got my act together, got myself composed.

Thanks Paulina for makin me feel a little better wit tt short chat on the net. tts the kinda things tt make a difference to me. i felt a lot better after tt, n of couse much better after blabberin everythin on this blog. juz a notice, this is my blog, i say watever i wanna say to comfort myself. nothin here is meant to b a direct insult or question to anyone. so juz read, dont qtn, coz its not meant to b a bitchin at anybody. juz a personal reflection to make me feel better. n it has worked.

might decide to watch tt Arsenal vs Newcastle match few hours later. doesnt matter whether we win or lose. juz wanna watch them play. i think ive now got the spirit to mug the whole of this wk. i'll do more maths n finish up physical as well as comprehend fully inorganic chem. i can do it, yes i can. alrite, lets see how the wkend goes.

"But your eyes look away
It's so hard to be someone
Strung out from today
And all that you knew slips away"

Hmm.. its already 25th Sept. I had forgotten so much tt i'm sittin for SAT I on the 11th Oct n havent started practicing with all the maths n chem. I really wanna do good so tt gettin into gd uni will b easier. right now, i've got nothin to show n if i continue that way, i'll juz end up in cold Marquette or chillin under the Texas sun. I juz wanna get into gd one, n settle for it. I'm startin to freak out coz i'm realisin how little time we have. next thing i know, i'm dismissed from sch for good, next day, SAT I, few days later, chem prac, a week later, phy prac, couple wks later, SAT II, few days n A Levels begin. wat the fuck is goin on. n i'm so not ready. Considerin my status now, i'll b better off not takin A's coz there's no chance i'll do well except for Phy. Maths, i'm tryin my best, but i think most i can ask is a C. Chemistry, i'm ok wif physical n doin my best for inorganic, but wat will ultimately determine my chem grade is my organic n options.

the a level timetable seems to b in my favour. maths will end by third day, which leaves enough time to seriously mug for chem n phy. most of phy r like last few papers, so i'll consolidate on my gd topics n capitalise on my weaker ones so tt i can spare time for chem revision. this is so gettin into me. next few wks gonna b a tough ride. n i'm already on the verge of snappin.

goin to sch is utterly useless. i understand they wanna help us by givin work, but i wanna do things at my own pace n plan. last thing i need is tutors givin us work n expect to complete it while we're studyin n revisin. its insane. it totally shifys my own plan off course. i dun wanna go to sch, not like i hav any choice not to. tomorrow, i'll finalise my phy grades, n get some stuffin for chemistry n monday, i'll get my GP back. i really need to manage my time now. i guess i hav the wkend to do some serious chem n maths. i wanna get my physical n inorganic done n over wit by middle of next wk. maths, i'm doin quite well wif the nov papers, but i could do faster. n its only p1 for christ's sake. wat abt p2. i still need to study vectors n complex from the start.

arghhh....

ok, i'm takin it bit by bit. i know i can n i know i will. days r juz so slow n tirin i cant take it anymore. if anythin, then Newcastle thrashin NAC Breda 5-0 in UEFA Cup First Round First Leg should b an inspiration, only not to b surprised if we get fucked by Arsenal come Saturday mornin.

bla, i'm too hassled to continue. mayb i'll do a reflection when i've calmed down n got time to think things through.

I was listenin to Goo Goo Doll's 'What I learnt about Economics, Opinion, Arts and Commerce' and I would like to share with you all this very unique special song in the album. Its very unlike of GGDs to sing this kinda song, but its a lovely poem if it wasnt a song.

"Acoustic #3"

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
You're not listening anyway

How's tt? isnt tt juz beautiful? some of u might hav heard it on Dawson's Creek or somethin coz its been featured there quite a couple of times and it got its popularity from the series. when u juz hear the acoustic guitar strummin wif John Rzeznik's smooth, hurt voice, it juz makes u feel empty within as well. go try listenin to it. i know downloadin from kazaa in times like these r quite risky, but if u wanna, go ahead. its an excellent song.

Played soccer after a long while in school, so i had become rather rusty with my goalkeepin skills. i let in quite a couple of odd goals but other than tt, i think today's play was quite competitive n high level. we were playin mostly wif sch team players, so u could b amazed wit the precision n the speed they play at. i need to start gettin used to tt again. if everythin goes well, then the 25th will b havin most prob their last match against 26th after the J1's promos r done. time to see wat i can do wit my new boots.

had to go off a little early coz my sch mag photo takin session was at 0930hrs. i quickly changed, but later found out i had to change to PE kit anyway. i was the first one there n the lady there were takin single close up shot of everyone so she did the same wit me b4 the rest for tt session arrived. after tt, we went to the area outside LT3 for some 'students chillin' under the trees' shot. haha, who does tt in SA? so they got couple of us to juz sit down n pretent like we're talkin n all. initially i was in the far background tryin to look like havin an idea wit Jonathan Chua n Meenal. Then they took me off n substituted me with Sunny with two Arts fac girls i still dunno the names of. once i sat down, the first comment from one the girl was like 'I like your nose.' n i was like, 'huh? oh? erm, thanx.' i mean, how many stranger compliments u first thing? then she went on lookin at me which made me real uncomfortable n she was like 'u got brown eyes as well' n i was like... ermm... yea... haha, i'm not good at receivin compliments but its nice when ppl does it to ya. i'm often told bt my eyes n nose but everytime someone else says it, it makes u feel differently. then i had to pretend like i was talkin wif the two girls like i'm some athelete (yea rite!) n they took some close up shots as well as normal shots. the last pic was kidna cool, coz we all huddled up n we were lookin down at the camera. i think tt one is original n i hope it'll look nice.

had to miss phy lect coz of tt. so changed once again n ate lunch. then the rest was rather monotonous day. normal lessons, etc, etc. today's wednesday so we all went back rather early, me gettin some rest coz of the physical rigours of not havin played soccer in a long while.

n.. yea, i'm here!

i was surfin n checkin on university stuff juz now, n its gonna b rather hectic plannin all the applications. i hav to make a decision on which uni i wanna apply under Early Decision. wats Early Decision u might ask. well, it means exactly tt. only tt there r some rules. the advantage is, if u get accepted under ED, then u'll know where u're goin by end of yr, n dont need to bother applyin to any other schs coz u're admitted already. however, the bad thing is, u can only apply for one ED, which makes choosin rather difficult. right now, i've got Cornell, Carnegie Mellon and U Penn for ED consideration. Cornell, no need to explain, Ivy League. Carnigie Mellon, top computer science school. heard IBM hires high percentage of their rookies from either MIT or Carnegie Mellon. n its in NY! U Penn, top business, tho i'm not sure i wanna do business. mayb MBA later on, but not now. so, its like, huh? which one? out of the three, i think the one wif higher chance of gettin in is U Penn. but i prefer CM or Cornell. but those two r real competitive. n wats worse, these r like top schs, n my grades nor SAT score isnt gd enough either. i probably fall under like bottom 15 or 10% of their applicants. so its like, u noe, quite risky application. but everythin's a gain. if i get accepted, cool! no hassle for other applications. if i dont, nothin to lose. so its a shot worthy to take. UC Berkeley's normal applications r durin november too, so gotta watch out for tt. the rest r mostly by 1 jan stuff, so december's gonna b quite busy for me.

lalala... gotta discuss these stuff with Mr Mannan tomorrow. kk, gonna go for dinner now. n then do my maths again.

"I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night"

okay, first thing! as i roughly expected, i got a 40 for my maths. tt means i estimated quite well, wit the lenient marks. i did quite well for p1, comin v close to a pass, which would hav been very possible had it not been for some very very amateurish mistakes. i lost quite a couple coz of tt. p2, as i expected. quite bad, sufferin brain freeze n all so didnt expect much out of it. i remember i could b lucky n get an E, but wit 40, its right in the middle between a F and an E so i guess i'm lucky? haha. it seems a lot of ppl failed for maths. the fact tt i'm gettin closer to the passin mark if i didnt make the careless mistakes could mean i could hav got an E. tt means i'm gettin there. very slowly, but surely.

gonna do all november qtns from 92 usin my solutions bk. get basics right, gotta do vectors n complex number, as well as functions from scratch, n i think i'm done wit the foundation revision. the rest is practice.

had fire drill while checkin paper, which was really tirin standin under the hot sun. got back to maths later n got a lashin from our maths tutor. cant blame her, i mean, only few in our class passed n its quite bad, really.

we continued watchin 'Meet The Parents' for moral ed coz we finished our ME syllabus (theres even a syllabus for tt, imagine!) we couldnt really extend the watchin time beyond the period, even tho we had rest of the day free. went down, ate somethin to fill my stomach, then did phy mcq practice which Mr. Mannan left behind for us to do. after tt, i took a nap b4 Sunny told me whether i was ready to go out wif the class.

well, wat an event it turned out to b. nothin had been decided when i got there n everyone couldnt agree on wat to do. basically there were ppl who wanted to watch movie, n there were those who wanted to bowl. n the others didnt wanna do either of tt. i hate it when there r like large group of ppl n they cant agree coz someone's always not agreein. n when u ask em wat they prefer to do, they make it more difficult by sayin they dont know. great. u dun seem to do anythin tt we r tryin get everyone to do n u cant even offer a suggestion. i mean, wat the hell r u doin then? fuck off! n there were ppl who were not goin but participatin in the confusion. i mean, i'm sure they were tryin to help us get things organised but they seemed to make things difficult for us. some ppl r really inconsiderate, from wat i observed. its like, if u dun do things tt they wanna do, then they wont go. come on guys, compromise? i mean, u cant always hav ur way. sometimes gotta do things in the interest for the best situation. worse thin, if one decides to back out, the other follows, n it causes chain reaction. wat the hell is this? u dun wanna go coz one person's not comin? r u goin out for tt person only for do u really wanna go out wif the class? n ok, i get it, its supposed to b a 'class outin' but if interests really conflict, then is it so necessary for the whole class to go out if it makes partial part unhappy? i dun see the pt. so it was really frustration for the majority of us coz we couldnt get anythin done at all. in the end, i juz couldnt take it anymore. i juz said, those who wanna watch movie, go ahead, those who wanna bowl, go bowl. so it happened for sometime. but in the end, those who were supposed to go bowlin went back home. wat the heck? now tt u r allowed to do wat u want, u juz decide to pack it up. then there were few who wanted to follow us to the movie, but decided tt since there r so few ppl, they wanna go home too. *sigh* never knew numbers mattered so much when i cant come up wif any idea watsoever how the number influences our activity.

Moral of the story? never leave anythin unplanned till last min coz it'll never work out in a large grp! i think i sense everyone noddin their head in agreement coz we've more or less seen our share of disaster decidin things here n then. but its kinda ridiculous when i heard tt they've been tryin to decide for two, three days but kept on sayin, decide tomorrow, decide tomorrow n in the end got nothin done. i cant understand y ppl r so reluctant to assume responsibility in these situation. someones gotta do it, y not u? i mean, it juz decidin where to go n wat to do. wat hav u got to b afraid of? ure not facin any possibility of payin any excessive money, humiliation nor blame. so y r u waitin for ppl to make decision? n wats worse, if ure gonna disagree wif everythin, y dont u come up wif somethin n make urself useful rather than troublin everyone.

in the end, Sunny, Arvin, Mel n I went to Lido after some bus mania where Arvin got in the bus, but there were no space for the rest of us, so we had to take another route n rendezvous wif Arvin later on. but alas, it was not meant to b as we missed the timin by 15 min. i told em no pt, coz if u miss first part of 'Pirates' then its really ptless. the next possible timin was 3 at great world or somethin but when Arvin said she cant go home late, with the movie bein like 2 hr 20 min, we decided to do the usual, n often enjoyable, sittin down n talk, well, mostly bitch. haha. we commented n bitched about all sorts of things, which i think is a better form of gettin to know one another better than not havin direct activity like watchin a movie.

got my chem guide bk later on, which i think i'm convinced i'll study much better with. i'll complete my inorganic n physical chem as usual first, as those two r the ones i can cover pretty fast. the environmental options seem quite extensive n i'm rather hopeful n confident i'll do tt option now. so all is lookin gd for me here, really.

got back, quite exhausted, slept a little then got about doin maths. did sample paper 1, which is ok, not so bad. will do a little N92 later on, b4 readin up on physical chem guide bk. i'm still takin med, so feelin a little swayin rite now.

hmm.. gonna play soccer in the mornin wif the class. tho its not official PE. o yah, i got selected to b so called model for sch yr bk. there r quite a lot of others in it too but not much of big deal really. i guess these grp's faces will b more recognisable in the yr bk. hope it doesnt clash while i'm playin soccer tomorrow.

somethin still wrong wif the blog. i think i messed wif the HTML too much. gotta see wats wrong, refresh the skin or change skin in the wkend.

"Hey
Do you wanna come out
And play the game
It's never too late"

Hmm... the wk, more like the day, didnt start as badly as i thought it'll b. first thang, physics n we got back all papers except for p3. as i expected, i flunk p2, got 30/90. average accordin to Mr. Mannan, was 40. There was a classmate who got 59. I was like.. wat the heck... but yea, he's gd, so cant say anythin bt the credibility. Luckily, all my other papers were quite gd, so pulled up my marks considerably. i got 44/60 for p1, which is quite gd, i mean, 73%.. but made a lot of careless mistakes, which i was left to regret, but hey, nothin can b done now. got 28/34 for prac, p4, as i said, its impossible not to score for phy prac, few mks were gone for careless mistakes regardin significant figures n unusual questions usually not asked in pracs. then surprisingly got 14/16 for p5! I mean, i scored full 8 mks for the first design, n had it not been for unacceptable diagram for the second qtn, i would've techinically got a full mark. I was talkin to Clarisse n Stella durin lunch n they were like 'u freak! how could u get full marks for design prac?' haha, yea, i wonder y too. i juz did watever i could think of, usin logic, most of the time. n yea, i got it. so tt made it 116 out of 200 so far. n i tot it was gonna b screwed for phy, but hey, the other papers pulled me up nicely. n as i calculated subsequently, its still very much possible for me to get tt C i wanted n targetted b4hand. tt means i juz need to pass p3, score about 55 out of 110, which is juz a pass, to get tt coveted C. not bad eh? i screwed up, but still got gd chance of gettin C, wat does tt say? if i had done well n p2, mayb, juz mayb, it would hav been possible for me to aim for tt elusive A. Hmm... wat a thought. Now i feel v bad n anxious tt i didnt study for p3 after the disastrous p2. haha, but i think i should pass at least, it was quite straightforward.

man, tt made me real delighted i tell ya. all the gloom n sadness was juz cleared by the first period! how nice! now i'm motivated to begin studyin again! chem tutor didnt come for second period, so Iskandar, Sunny, Zeeshan n me were talkin bt all sorts of things regardin soccer, studies n movies. seem the class is goin out since we're not havin phy prac tomorrow. gd stuff, last day to go out, enjoy n begin the muggin excersize. yea, the rest of the day was juz draggy n unseless.

durin those useless lessons, got to know most of my friends got C for maths n all. well, i cant hope for anythin like tt, i'm realistically thinkin i'll get O. but a little part of me hopes for leniency n get an E. how hopeful. but well, i think i deserve an O. but maths, i believe is somethin tt can really b done ultimately. so tts another motivation.

tt leaves me to think, i gotta concentrate n somehow memorise all tt crap for chemistry! no matter how much i hate organic, i guess i hav absolutely no choice. juz 50 or so days, gotta grit n go through wit it, besides, the reward will b gd. so there's another motivation!

man, today started out real nice, dont u all agree? tomorrow's gonna b another short day, an enjoyable one, i hope n start of another hectic life.

while on the way back home, Adeline seemed rather disappointed with her maths result. well, i didnt know wat i could do, but when Utkarsh sat beside her in the bus to console her, the scene looked v sweet. Koustav said he feels a little jealous at times when he sees these scenario too. i totally agreed. i might hav lot of ppl i know, but theres tt little difference when someone u share a close relationship with. i dunno if i'm havin tt now, but i too long for somethin a little more than ordinary. its another motivational n comfortin factor in times like these.

went to the doc later on around 8, coz i had a cough tt was botherin me. turns out prob juz throat inflammation. i was runnin out of breathe at times while i was talkin today, but hope the med will cure me of tt by this wk. now i'm feelin a little drowsy coz of med, but i'll juz do few qtns of maths n phy b4 goin to sleep. i think i gotta get tt study guide for chem, i think it'll help me a lot. n its gd to know the option available in tt bk is environmental n not food chem, at least a source for self learnin b4 i decide to grit n stick wif food chem or try environmental.

"That's it!"

'You said that this is crazy, you're a half a world away
Well I'm sitting and I'm thinking but I didn't know what to say
So I said something I can't touch, I always want way too much
Anyway

'Cause everything's wrong
Well it's all right
Everything's wrong
Well it's all right'

Okay, didnt do much but i think today has made me thinkin bt a lot of stuff. all thanks to two great french movies i watched today. as a matter of fact, i watched three movies today. woke up around ten, wakin up to find a message from Paulina tellin me her bio notes which she needed for a test tomorrow was wit her friend's friend. so she was kinda worried n pissed coz obviously she needs them to study. but she got them back b4 goin for her service, so she was ok. found out newcastle drew, which leaves them winless so far this season yet again, coz i was watchin the first Tomb Raider till 1 last nite. i didnt watch it previously coz i tot it wasnt gd n i stick by it. gotta see whether the second one was gd or not, but tho i think it'll b better than the first, i think i'll still not b content. i dunno how to describe but it juz lacks depth n the interest generation. lotsa ppl seemed to like it, but non, not me. so yea, woke up, had the usual breakfast, started rainin quite badly, then started watchin 'Amelie.' It was v interestin movie. a girl tryin to fix up everyone's lives finds out in the end tt she needs to fix up her own messed up life instead of others, n yea, does so. it was very cute the way she got around doin things for her friends n i would b delighted if i could come across anyone whos like her. it makes u feel v warm n happy at the end of the movie coz she got wat she deserved after makin lives of those around her better.

went off for grocery shoppin after tt, juz helped my parents get stuff around n into the car n stuff. went to get fruits, then get KFC for lunch, since my bro didnt wanna go out or somethin. was quite pissed when i found out i didnt get wat i wanted coz my mom bought stuff usin the coupons n she didnt know tt the bit she took out wasnt wat i wanted. but ah well cant blame her. i should hav taken the bit n given her myself. or checked b4 grabbin the bag n leavin. some thoughtless things i do at times.

yea, tt's tt. i wanted to watch '8 Women' but my dad wanted to watch this mafia flick 'The Untouchables' so we watched tt instead. it was pretty cool watchin some old movie wit a gd plot. the end was a v big surprise n it was worth it, tho v slow, in the end.

went down to play soccer for a while to destress, bend some stress on the ball n stuff.

came back up, took shower, spent a little more time than usual to shave, wasnt too happy wif small bits tt were obvious to me, but minimal stuff others would hardly notice. juz for my sake, i feel v uncomfortable wit incomplete shave. haha.

ironed uniform for tomorrow n had dinner.

immediately got down to watchin '8 Women' coz i coudnt wait anymore. haha, but it turned out to b excellent movie in the end. one of the finest, mayb coz i had no idea wat the movie was abt, so everythin is a surprise. god, i love french movies now. this, among the rest tt ive watched, was finest of the finest. its basically bt this man, who's the only man in the house, n other 7 women tt live wit him, n later becomes 8 when his sister comes in. basically the poor fella's murdered, which probes a scandalous disclosure of all sorts of secrets eveyone kept from others. thigns like his wife havin affairs n gonna leave him, his eldest daughter not being his real daughter n she subsequently gettin pregnant while studyin in england, his mother in law killin her husband coz she didnt love him n it was torturous, his sister in law havin lusts for him, his maid being a lesbian wif his sister, he havin sexual relationship wit his chambersmaid n all. its not coz of him, but all these women havin secrets of their own tt made his life miserable. they portraited the story n the uncoverin of secrets so well i was left there starin at the screen sayin 'damn.' plus they put it like a musical at times, only prob was tt there were no subtitles durin their respective songs so i was left to wonder wat they were sayin. but wif a surprise twist in the end, it shot up straight into one of my all time faves. it was fantastic n left me thinkin bt how relationship should b n wat i can do abt it in the future, if any, at all.

this movie left me thinkin bt future relationships i could possibly have. even if i'm happy, doesnt necessarily the other one is happy. everyone knows tt, but the question is how bad is it. u might lead a comfortable, perfect life, but u could suffer in silence, coz theres lack of the fire tt keeps both of u goin, n u might never know wat the other ultimately has in mind. these things make settlin down or even startin up a v difficult thing to do. it makes me more confused bt these things, really. but it has set certain aspects into proper perspective, i think. not only did i enjoy the movie, ive learnt things from it as well. how many movies does tt?

while i was watchin the movie, i was in contact with Paulina n it kinda worried me to find out she was muggin all day for her test tomorrow till the pt she was feelin v stressed n all. i mean, juz for a test, she had to study so much, like an exam. i didnt take bio, so i wouldnt know exactly how much she needed to study but from the way she made it sound, it seemed an awful lot for juz a test. she's been like this for the past two days. i dont remember studyin so much time durin my sec 3 yr, n i managed to get by pretty well. so i'm rather worried for her coz she cant go on like this, it'll juz kill her. i juz hope tt she can take it bit by bit without pushin so much on herself. i suddenly felt v guilty tt i didnt even imagine tt she was goin through all these when i was in constant touch wif her, let alone not askin her bt it. she sure doesnt need to go through so much rite now, wif her end of yr exams comin up. but she's got a pretty nice holiday planned out when she can destress n enjoy, so i guess theres somethin in the offin for her to come. juz hope tt she doesnt hav to suffer so much.

ah well, boro won. tt means newcastle r now 19th wit a game in hand, juz hope tt game in hand becomes an advantage n not another defeat or draw. they'll b facin NEC Breda on wed for UEFA Cup n i hope tt gets the season goin. everyone say they're startin out bad this season, but exactly this time last season, we were juz a pt better off n in the end we ended up third. imagine wat would hav happened if the start wasnt like tt? we probably had a very gd shot at gettin tt title. but it wasnt meant to b. o well. things will start soon.

another wk in sch, i think tt'll b the last 2 or 3 wks of sch for me. but gotta face the nightmare of prelim results. after a happy wkend, i think i'm ready for some backlash. then the work starts again. when will this end...

"I just wanna look at you
I just wanna look at you
There aint nothing wrong, no
There aint nothing wrong with that"

Alrite... was watchin Survivor Pearl Islands after I was done bloggin last nite n i muz say it was quite gd start compared to the rest. not tt i watched the rest wif much intent, but this had some unique touch to it. I think i might continue watchin this series. I dun really get wat all these reality fuss is abt over Bachelor n Temptation Island, Amazin Race n stuff, but those r the duplicates, Survivor's the mother of all reality series. Haha, who am i to say such stuff.

Yea well, went to sleep, not watchin 'She's All That' since i've watched it b4 n i was really sleepy. Woke up next mornin, had to finish up couple of stuff b4 i went off for other stuff to b settled. Hardly a way to start relaxin the day after my prelims ended. I completed registration for SAT II papers, i'll b takin Writing, Maths IIC n Physics. Also signed up for University of Southern California pre-registration stuff. Wanted to get my TOEFL stuff done n over wit, but tt kinda was complicated. I was goin to a US Education fair later on in the day so i was gonna clarify whether it'll b needed since I'm a U.S. Permanent Resident n educated in a country where English was the preferred medium. Received a message from Denise later on, when she stumbled upon my blog n asked me y i had started it when i detest these stuff. Well, yea, in fact, i still do detest blogs in certain ways when ppl complain bt things n not do anythin at all in real life, juz bitchin abt but bein a no baller, or complainin bt their bf/gf on the blog n not sayin anythin to him/her n all. it makes urself look real dumb n all. i mean, for the gd bf case, ur're like invitin trouble. if u got a issue, talk it out! y muz u let it go on the net when u know ur partner reads it? U get wat i'm tryin to say? For me, its juz a personal reflection n personal outlet of diary. Besides, my friends can read wat i'm doin n all once i'm gone. So yea... This has continued for quite some time..

Yea, then had lunch, played some loud music to feel gd, then off my parents n i went first to Pan Pacific Hotel for the US Education Fair. Big name universities r not expected to b in these fairs, coz if theyre big n famous, they dont need to sell themselves to attract students, students will naturally come to them. so i didnt expect much, but there were two schools i heard of previously, which were Marquette University in cold cold Milwaukee, n one of the two dozen California State Us. Found out later on there was this other school which was gd, but it was Liberal Arts College n it was a Wesleyan school, which means it has strong religious affilation which can make me feel out of place at times. i know tt after comin to SA. So talked to ppl there, found out my application is gonna b so much easier with my U.S. Green Card, clarified certain stuff. Most ppl think u need v gd scores to go overseas. Or most think gettin 1400 for SAT I is minimum requirement. Well, dont b surprised seein this, but most of those schools in the fair today, their average student score was like, 900-1100? Seriously! Even the better one out of the lot was havin 540 to 650 for Verbal, n 520 to 640 for Maths. Tt's the Marquette one i'm talkin bt. So yea, ppl out there, dont b discouraged. N they do offer partial scholarships too. I was thinkin later on, i wouldnt mind schoolin in these institutions if they can grant me half to full scholarship, allow me to do double majors! I mean, wats there to lose? Its a v gd deal. Marc was there n he found a college tt he liked, n he applied for tt, so i guess he's happy tt he got one school tt he can really get into, doin wat he likes. I think his experience is gonna b quite interestin since he's doin photography. i'll definately wanna know how he's gonna b doin tt. It would b like a side interest for me, but he's gonna do it full time. So yea... gonna b interestin.

Went to the tailors for my fitting of the suit tt i was havin it done, tho the jackets not complete, it looks quite gd.

Went to Little India for a while since my mom wanted to eat.... i cant even remember or figure out the name. haha. They seemed to enjoy it. After tt, she went lookin for some sari, which i dunno how to figure out which is gd n which is not, etc etc. Deposited my dad's laundry for professional cleanin near Bukit Timah, n borrowed some DVDs to spend some time. I was havin this real urge to watch some foreign show, some italian or french. n indeed, i've got them. I got '8 Women' as well as 'Amelie.' Can finally watch those two! But i had to watch 'Angela's Ashes' coz i never finished watchin it durin GP. So started watchin, albeit from the start, now tt my parents too wanted to watch it. N boy, it was gd. It was really touchin n thought provocative for us whose lives never touch the inpoverished.

I hav this profound appreciation for these foreign, most of the time European movies. Most of these seem to reflect reality very well compared to our conventional american shows tt we've all come to love. I think it started with 'The Professional' and 'October Sky' as well as 'Finding Forrester.' They hav this nice touch n depth to their films n i've been watchin quite a lot since then. Movies like 'The Devil's Backbone,' 'Brotherhood of The Wolves,' 'Malena' n many more. I can exactly explain wat i feel about them, juz tt i find them more interestin to watch n analyse. I would definately wanna attent those Venice Film Awards jus to watch these occasionally considered dull, borin n draggy movies by the majority of movie goers. Not to me. Haha.

Kay, back to my weekend footie or mayb another DVD. Lemme enjoy till nightmare comes back to Malan Road come this Monday, if not, couple of days later.

"Its Boston Red Sox in the end of the 9th inning down 3-0, 2 out, all bases loaded, two strikes n three balls for Nomar Garciaparra. Can he make this one a grand slam n make the biggest shock? Here's Roger Clemens, for the Yankees, pitching. Here we go.
*Clank!*
"OH! It's Nomar Hitter! Its going, its going, its going.. over The Green Monster! HOME RUN! Grand Slam Red Sox at the end of the end of the 9th inning! Simply unbelievable!"

U mus b wonderin, wat the hell is Walid talkin bt? Well, above is a analogy for wat i did wif my prelims. I'm Nomar, n the prelims were wat i hit out, way out of the ballpark. Yea well, i couldnt b fucked since phy p2. But today, was wat i considered prelims. right difficulty, actually wasnt too difficult, had the paper been like tt throughout, well, if p2 had been like tt throughout and if i had studied better, yea, i think A was attainable. (is there such a word? i dunno) Ah well, heck wit prelims, i think i'll most probably get a O, O, D? tt's D-O-O.... So here's my new assignment, study for A's! Yes yes, actually wat i really need to study is chem, i'm more or less ok wif maths n phy, juz improve on my weaker ones. i gotta do chem right from start man. Esp Organic n options.

Hey! Prelims r over, so wat the hell am i talkin bt prelims. After paper finished, we celebrated Utkarsh's birthday wit the usual strip, beat up n watnots. He was trynna run away, but hey, wats the pt rite? :) So we sang him a song, a prayer, stripped him bare naked, smacked his ass, kicked him... n the rest i better not go into detail. its... censored. I'm against censorship but this.... better b censored for modesy's sake. Well, juz wanna say, sorry Utkarsh, i was one of those who helped in pullin off ur shorts n kickin u n holdin ur legs while Shafiq did the uhm, uhm... but yea, things come around. I got my ass smacked from u for my birthday, so yea, but today was extreme... haha...

was hopin to see Mr. Mannan to discuss whatever we were supposed to, but he wasnt in sch so i'll b meetin him on monday. Anyway, there's a US education fair tomorrow where Marc n I will clarify all these registration stuff, so it should b ok.

Planned a day ago tt we were gonna watch 'Camp' today. But Maddie was goin out wit her friend instead so tt left me n Koustav. But he was goin out wif Hui. But in the end, they were gonna watch it too, so decided to join them. Denise was supposed to hop in too, but backed out, watchin some Chinese show called Turn Left Turn Right or somethin. I remember Chia How makin sarcastic remarks about tt movie some time b4, so i wondered if it was gd or not. Marc too joined us in the end, so it was complete quartet. But i had to rush home first, change, shower, eat, run to mosque, which i was a tiny weeny bit late, but made it ultimately, n then rush off again to meet the three before movie started at 1415.

'Camp' was definately gd for low budget, no famous or known cast movie. Its like Moulin Rouge or Chicago, in a sense, its a musical movie. Basically, its a summer camp school, only tt this camp is for musical lovers. They practice day in day out for a musical. So there r all these group of teenagers, a gay, a bitch, a normal girl, girl wif braces tt's plump, the perfect guy, etc. I liked it. But wat i found most amazin bt this was tt one liners do play so much of a significant role! The bitch was like 'I'm gonna giv u a surprise tonight' n tt meant makin out, where as when the normal girl was alone wif the perfect guy, she said, 'its nice to b alone in a camp wif such a guy', tryin to signal tt she was intendin some romantic talk, b4 pullin out n sayin, 'god, someone hit me wif stones now', or 'lets change the topic.' I was like, man, if only it was tt simple! Or is it really tt simple? One moment in the movie was, the guy sayin 'I like u', then kiss the girl, then the girl replies, 'i like u too' I was like, haha! my god, this is so weird! or this scene when the two r walkin off, she goes 'i'm feelin cold' n the guy replied 'u want me to hug u?' then he really did, then she finally went 'wow, tt one worked' Haha...

Yea, if only it could b tt simple. Maybe its juz me tt i didnt notice or take note or one liners happenin around me. Haha, but it definately would b weird makin moves like tt. It happened wif Joey n Rachel playin mind games wit eachother b4 confessin their feeelins to eachother.

But the perfect guy, started out so perfect. Gd lookin, can sing, can play guitar, talented, sporty. wat else? It was funny when he walked in to the room n the rest juz went dead quiet. juz starin at him. then one night when he talked to this gay guy called michael for a while n told him 'gd nite mike' n michael was whisperin to himself 'o my god! he called me mike! wow!' I was laughin my heart out. But he sleeps wit the bitch first, then tries to romance the good girl, then ends up kissin n almost makin out wif her room mate. well i guess all of these kinda guys r bastards in the end. tt was proved when some chick came over for his show, n in the end everyone found out she was his gf. I was screamin, bastard! Haha, typical of these guys. But she came all the way to tell him in person tt she was breakin up n all. so yea, he deserved tt. but things turned really funny when he stripped naked infront of michael n went swimmin in the lake, tryin to induce some homosexuality within mike. man, me n marc were constantly beggin the movie not to make those two kiss. tt would hav been it! Haha... all n all, it was such a gd movie for somethin tt wasnt too publicized n all.

Yea well, after the movie, we tried lookin for the soundtrack, coz i guess all of us were pretty much impressed wif the movie. We went to HMV, where we met Denise n Evelyn. Then we went walkin to Taka n to Wisma while they looked for earrings n all. We were juz browsin around. somehow we started some serious clothes lookin after British India, Zara n Topshop. We were half lookin for wat to wear for grad nite n stuff. i'm makin a formal suit, but things they had in Zara, they were quite gd stuff, really. if not for a little too pricey problem, i would've worn them to grad nite.

Yea, then went off wit Paulina after meetin her at Topshop. I wont b seein her around much in about a month's time. So i'm trynna spend as much time as i can b4 she leaves. I dunno whether i'll b around when she comes back. Junwen might b the same too. He'll come back next wk, then army. Man, this is when i gotta handle emotional detachments with close friends tt matter a lot to you.

But now, i'm burnin all my anger n depressedness to sounds of Rage Against The Machine n Audioslave, Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Nirvana, etc. N I'm feelin better.

A fresh new start awaits next wk. The serious n proper muggin starts. Ladies n Gentlemen, i bid u farewell to our lives for the next two months or so. It wont happen again, this is the last 2 mths where we'll sweat it all out n i juz wanna wish u all the best. we can do it saints, juz believe. "Nobody is here by chance."

"Searchin for some piece of mind?
Hey, I'll help you find it"

one more paper to go.. but i felt like i was finished wit prelims after phy p2. chem p1 isnt tt bad, i think, considerin at least u hav 25% chance of gettin it rite. i mean, since when i was mcq hard? can b, but never been. but i was like o shit when on the way back home, Koustav n Adeline were sayin to eachother, 'there were lot of calculations.'
ah well, like it matters anyway. as i've repeated time n time again, chem is gone. maths was undone by my marvellous p2. phy too can b undone. theres still p3 tomorrow, which Mr. Mannan said is '50% easier than p2' but i cant believe him anymore. he gave us a list of things to study for BT1, which hardly anythin from tt list came out, tips for BT2 didnt help much n now, am i gonna b misled again? i'm sittin down here bloggin n i'm reluctant to study anymore for phy. i could still salvage some grades, but wats the pt, the rest looks worse than bad.

right now, i would like to share with u y i decided to go to JC n do A Levels;

1. I didnt wanna leave for US yet

basically i didnt wanna leave so fast coz of friends, new prospectives in JC. main reason is i wanted to do high school coz if i had left, i would've gone straight to Uni n high sch is supposed to b the major part of teen yrs. i can say wif confidence so far, tt i wasnt wrong bt tt. i've learnt a lot, experienced a lot n enjoy throughly. another remote reason is coz it was only few months ago tt Sept 11 had taken place n me being a muslim wif a nationality of a third nation, above the age of 16, i assumed i was gonna suffer some scrunity upon entry to the US.

2. Skippin 2 yrs of education to go to Uni? Crazy?

yea, tt would've put a lot of pressure on me to start a new coz ppl around me would hav studied in high sch n i didnt. i dont care whether sg has a high standard of education, i would definately hav been disadvantaged if i had went to uni straight away. this is loosely connected to my 3rd reason. yea, basically i didnt wanna take any chance coz if u fail in uni, there aint any option to do shit else. tt's a more dangerous risk than screwin up ur A's.

3. A levels will b beneficial later on, i could finish Uni in 3 yrs if i do well (yea, like tt's gonna happen now)

Exactly! tt's a risk i'm willin to take! A level syllabus is so in depth, comprehensive, as we've all come to know, tt in US, goin through first yr would b a breeze for me, even if i suck! i mean, there's two outcomes in A's, u do well, or u do badly. either results, i'll b doin uni in US, its juz tt if i do well, i'll finish in 3 or 3 1/2 yrs, if not, 4 yrs, same as anyone. who wouldnt wanna take tt chance? n besides, even if i end up in lower tier colleges, i'll breeze through first yr, i work hard in second yr, maintain GPA, n i'll transfer to a better uni. it helps either way! wats there not to like?

Yea.. tt's pretty much the reasons y i went to JC. sometimes, i regret, coz on paper, our O's cert will look more clean n impressive than our A's, dunno bt the rest of y'all, but for me, nah. my uncle told me once, if u had entered uni wit ur O's, i think it would hav been better than u tryin to get in wif ur A's cert. true enough, but hey, wat can i do now, its too late. i think i can leave right now n not do A's, but tt'll b dumb. its only 2 mths away n as mentioned above, its either i do badly or do well. wat if i do well? its better chance than juz leavin n havin nothin left to bring along.

yea well. prelims will b over tomorrow. but after tt, everyone will mug like never b4. they'll all end up gettin gd grades coz we've been fucked so hard. i shall do my best too n see wat i can end up wif. if i dont do well, well, tough, i wasnt gd at it, if i do, gd, tt's all rite?

"And who gives a fuck about your problems, darlin'
When you can pay the rent
How much is enough?"

"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you."

if i tot yesterday was bad... it was juz gettin worse...

i had given up on my chem coz my p2 n prac was a goner, leavin me nothin to do about it. but i think i did fairly ok for tt. but yea, the best i can hope for chem now is juz a O, but i think i'll b gettin a F. chem will b finalised wif p1 tomorrow which is my chance to salvage some opportunity to scramble for some marks. i cant b fucked.

so tt brings me to main topic of the day, PHYSICS!!! i tot it was goin perfectly well when the p1 seemed rather straight forward. was amused to see there were 2 qtns i was discussin wif denise n zeeshan juz an hour b4 the exams, exact same qtns came out. denise was sittin behind me on my right, when the invigilator told us to amend the qtn, i looked back at denise n juz smiled. how lucky can it b. even zeeshan was thankin me after the paper. i had kinda seen couple of the qtns previously, so i was thinkin, hey, this isnt tt bad, i'm on my way here... how wrong i was...

deng deng deng.. p2.. horror of horrors. i'm struck by the first question. okay, not exactly the first, but yea, readin the graph was okay, concept ok, but nature of qtn? didnt get anythin at all! i'm like, erm, potential on the surface of moon, uh huh... wat the heck!! flipped to next qtn, i tot, k, this one can do, only to find out after first part, i'm stuck again. flip to next qtn, flip, flip, flip.... yea, u get the picture. not many i could do! i skip qtns for later on coz i dun wanna waste too much time figurin out, might as well finish up those u can do rite? i went all the way to the last qtn, data analysis. i tot finally, there was somethin. even tho i could do it, the answers seemed so ridiculous! i suddenly felt like yesterday when the questions didnt seem too hard, juz tt nothin was comin into my brains. i was like, y, oh y.. this is physics! its my thang! y is this happenin... felt like breakin down like yesterday's maths paper.

y do they test so hard? is it really the toughness tt's the issue here or testin us for wat we r being taught? it seemed like studyin for exams was pointless if we were gonna b tested like this. its almost like a test to distinguish one fact, either u're a genius, or a retard. i definately felt like the latter. was comforted to know tt it wasnt juz me. angie, joel n denise were all expressin their anguish n suddenly i was like, eh, they cant do too? miss k came later on n asked me, 'was the paper tt tough? i saw so many ppl's paper totally blank!' then i knew. it was a ultra hard paper. well, at least not so bad if most of the ppl couldnt do. but really, it brings us one question. do we really need to b scared till we piss in our pants so tt we'll mug non stop for prelims? wats the pt? if tt's the case, then dont do all these depressin ritual. its really unhealthy. at least for me. i was slowly feelin me tearin myself apart in my head. i cant do anythin anymore. theres chem p1 n phy p3 left, but i dont think it'll matter coz i think my prelims r gone already. n i'm reluctant to believe tt my grades would juz shoot up juz by workin hard till the A's. its... v unlikely. then sit for wat? but theres a minor part of me tt's more determined to get it through. whether tt minor will start to overdrive the major, i'll know in a couple of days, or by next wk. its the only way, but risky, coz in A's, we're not being graded for wat we get anymore. it depends on ur percentile in the country. tt's a scarier thought. juz a diff of few marks will make a great diff now. wats it gonna b, hows it gonna b... really, like the song 'Numb', i become so numb after these turbulent two days.

mothafuckin hell...

nothin can express the anger i feel within myself today.

seein how maths c p2, which i was more or less prepared for, squeezed me out of life minute by minute, for the first time ever, i wanted to cry coz of an exam. y? coz all my work tt had been put into prep for mc p2 had gone down to waste. really. i was gd till this mornin. i could solve tpjc n tjc papers pretty simply, n confidence interval, critical region stuff were all straightforward. but when it was time for the actual doin of question, i faltered. god knows y. y, of all times, does it hav to b durin the paper tt i blanked out? the questions were not too hard, it was do-able, even by my standards, but nothin, not even a start came to my mind. i was left to frantically flip n flip for somethin tt i at least could do. but no, tt was not meant to be. i only gained some sort of gear goin wit one hour left to go, n my six sheets of paper were mostly blanks. this is wat i get, when i worked hard for it. it puts my p1 efforts down the drain. p1, i calcuted afterwards, i think, most probably, considerin wat i did is acceptable, i could get between 50 to 60. we're talkin bt E, D or C here. tt's gd, in my view. but wat i did for p2 today, puts tt to neverland. i think i barely scored 30 today. tt, for somethin i prepared. so overall, tt would put me into a certain O wif a very very unlikely but remote chance of me gettin an E. but tt's v unlikely, coz all this, i calculated from a best case scenario. tt means at the best, i'm gettin juz enough to attain E, mayb not. but most certainly an O, in the upper region. but ive seen lotsa unthinkable situations in my jc life, so as always, tt could crash down all the way to F.

i feel v angry, i wanted to tear the paper apart, feel v angry wif myself especially. how could i let myself do this shit. a lot of time was wasted. it could all hav been channelled to physics to get a good grade for tt. lookin at tomorrow, i think i'll screw up my physics as well. chem tomorrow is a goner, i did minimal revision coz theres no way i can prepare for organic, its juz waste of time for me, coz i know, n its been proven i cant memorise all tt shit for exams. i'm talkin bt 40% or so for juz p3 alone now. on top of tt, theres inorganic, another memory stuff, so basically more than half of the paper is gone. now u tellin me to study for p3? hello? i'm much better off doin physics.

i still feel v pissed. its like a daylight robbery for me. how could i let tt happen. i'm not lettin it pull me down but its so depressin when u work so hard n this is wat u get. thank god its not been like tt for me the entire jc life. then i would've understood y some chose to take their life away. if tt had happened to every single paper i sat for n i mugged damn hard for it, who knows i might hav been one of those who joined the sad list. but its only an exam, its not worth it. they say A levels decide ur life. well, not mine. i hav an alternative route n i'm glad i'm gonna b excersizin tt option. even if it screws up, i'm endin up somewhere to start anew. theres another chance, at least.

i didnt expect prelims to hit hard. i'm potentially lookin at a F, O n D or E for prelims now. its unlikely i'll b a mr kenneth koh, a physics relief teacher tt took our class last yr, who scored four Es for his prelims n ended up scorin all As ultimately. but i can try. i'm tryin to get a A-B-C, i'll b happy wif tt. at least some credits for every single subject.

enough of blabberin, i'm gonna get to my physics. fuck chem, fuck maths.

fuckin hell....

alrite... had quite a lot of things to do today... dad took a leave or it was a half day for the staff coz its some sort of a holiday or somethin in japan. so once he came back, we went to his old office location at beach road n went to the tailors. he wanted adjustments to his trousers. then i was measured up coz i'm havin a suit made primarily for grad nite in december, but also for future purposes, i think i'll need them in university. then we went to harbour front to hav lunch n at the same time showed mom the newly renovated place, she hasnt been there for quite some time since the whole reconstruction started. after havin lunch, my parents found a sofa they really liked in the furniture mall n they spent sometime there. then, we went over to a cold storage near bukit timah n did grocery shoppin which we couldnt do yesteday. we came back home, i took a nap, n it was time for tuition. went over final stuff for maths tomorrow. i think i can more or less do the paper tomorrow, but as always, somethin goes wrong durin the paper for me. i'll try minimisin the damage, but u never know.

gonna b a rollercoaster ride. its crazy. luckily the paper starts at 2, so got couple of hours in the mornin i can put time into final stuff. but by the time paper ends n i come back, there's almost no time left for me to study for chem p3, which is in the morning. i mean i can do somethin, but not gonna b too effective. i think i'm goin into the physics the least prepared compared to all the other papers in my jc life, but can do. its juz tt its suddenly the whole syllabus, so i'm juz thinkin i'm not ready. i've got around 3 hours roughly between end of chem p3 till start of p1, so i'm gonna pull some tricks of my own. intensive, speed revisin. i'm more or less screwed for chem, so might consider not studyin at all for it after maths for the sake of physics. by the time i end on wed, its bt 6, hardly time for chem p1 the next morning. but after tt, i've got a lot lot of time to do everythin on phy p3. tt's gonna b crucial to score. 'i know i can...'

yea... i dont think my prelim results will b gd, but once its done, its the start of A levels muggin. it never stops, does it. i've got to handle SAT I, II n TOEFL as well as univ application stuff at the same time, so gonna b real stressful.

hmm.. season finale of friends tonite. it amazes how everythin changed in tt one episode. joey, being funny as ever, fumbles durin his confession from rachel, but i think if tt happened in real life, it'll b weird, but nice. it'll b like such a perfect way to express ur feelin n get everythin started. but seein how not only those two, but ross n charlie started out n the other battle goin on wif the other four, makes u think, my god, this group r so scandalous. haha, but its a comedy show in the end, its gd tt way. sad to think it'll end next yr. i dunno how i can watch the show coz it might go into months when i cant watch, n kazaa is becomin quite dangerous. they're catchin mp3 downloaders, but i'm not sure bt video download. could it b the same or different? i gotta find out. besides, i've like pretty much seen the whole season 9 by... april or may, way before singapore. season 10 is gonna start in 2 wks time in US, so gotta see wat i can do bt tt. when friends end, its gonna b a quite sad thing. afterall, its been providin me some great company for the past 6 or so yrs. i've started watchin seriously if i can recollect correctly, when the gang went to stay in the beach house.. yea.. i've seen bits n pieces of the earlier episodes since then, but i've more or lessed watched wit interest since ross' second marriage. one day, i'm gonna collect all the DVD sets.. i've rented the season 1 n watched all, gonna do the same for season 2 soon. they'll release the season 5 quite soon, n as time goes, the whole friends series. one season costs bt 110 bucks, quite ex, but hopefully by then, i would hav saved them n bought them bit by bit. woohoo.. so excited bt tt. haha.

kk, gonna read maths study guide, n then read to sleep. mornin, do watever i can. here comes the battle.. its endin soon, but not yet, not yet...

okay, gonna blog early today so i can go off to sleep earlier. actually the prob is i've not been able to sleep for the past two nights. thank god its the weekend. had this happened in weekday, i'd b a zombie in the day. i dunnoe wats keepin me awake tho. i feel sleepy but juz cants sleep. i keep rollin from side to side, shiftin my pillow or blanket n tryin to fall asleep. nothin helped. by the time i fell asleep, i think it was 4 or 5. so i'll wake up around 10 or so. tt's y i said thank god its weekend, when i can afford to wake up early. so today, i'll go to sleep earlier, try not to read Ferguson's autobio, n see if it makes any diff. i think its coz i kinda get interested n excited while readin the book coz its rather interestin n by the time i finish the chapter to go to sleep, its already like 1 plus. mayb tts y. so lets see tonite. usually i finish my blog n lof off about 0030, so gonna finish early n then go off. coz i got a lot to say tonite.

talkin bt late nights, this was somethin i wanted to blog about earlier. many among us students seem to hav this concept tt studyin early into the morning or late into the night, watever u like, is some sort of 'status' to prove tt u're studyin. well, hear, actually read this BULLSHIT. ok? tt's so totally bull. wat, if u study till 2, 3, one even told me 5, u think u studied better than us? u think u're so much better off? think bt it okay. if u study 'productively', then yea mayb u're really studyin. i'd say its how u study rather than how long or how late u study. if ur methods r gd, then u dont need to study for long. get this outta ur head. studyin long hours doesnt necessarily mean u studied well. u might study for 6 hrs but u might find u can cover in 3 hrs if ur methods r correct n effective. i never believed in long hours unless its absolutely necessary. besides if u manage ur time well, u dont need to study so late into the night. most take a nap or waste time doin somethin from end of sch till mayb 10 or so. tt's y u study late into the night coz u think u need more time. dont come show off to me u studied till 2. i might juz ask, so how much did u cover? once u go past 12, ur brain activity slows down. once it does, not everythin is goin in ur head. then wats the pt? u might b thinkin ure studyin but if only three quarter is goin in ur head, its useless. then, ure juz wastin time n energy. might as well study when ure 100% efficient. but wats more stupid is, u study till 3, u get so litle sleep, u fall asleep in class or lecture when ure learnin somethin new. so its like ure only askin for it. if u fall asleep when ure supposed to pay attention, then of cuz u gotta study more than usual coz u gotta learn the new stuff by urself! its a dumb cycle n some ppl juz deserved it. they juz dont see it tt way.

i hate it too when ppl tell me they didnt study at all. its almost as if ure tryin ur best to seek attention, goin to ppl n sayin rite in their face. n then wat? they end up gettin gd grades n try to b humble n say, i dunno, i never study, lucky la... wat the fuck... y do u hav to b so humble for! shut up man... stop actin cute!

yea well, enough of bitchin. woken up by dad today. he told me there was a wholesale at philips plant in toa payoh. who we set off after breakfast to check it out. i usually take my sunday for rest n chillin so i juz followed him. there were so many ppl! i think everyone juz goes coz its a sale. but i found out tt juz coz its a sale doesnt mean its cheap! my bro's room's circular fluorescent light went off couple of days back n we got a new one for 5.90. however, in a so called sale, it went for 6. n i saw ppl buyin like 5, 6 of those. they think since its a sale, its cheap. not checkin the prices around, they succumbed to the temptation. not only the light, but some other stuff like discman n all too. so yea, take note, dont think its always better coz its a sale.

went to far east coz my dad wanted to get some cable for his laptop, while my bro checked out some new handphones at nearby burlington mall. then we went off to suntec for adidas sale. it opened on friday n today was the last day, so i kinda expected most of the gd stuff n those of regular sizes to b sold off. but i still found a soccer boots for 40 bucks, i tot it was a gd price so got em. i dun care bt the design, tt doesnt affect the play of the game, as long as i hav one tt fits n is comfortable, its alrite.

i was the kind of guy who would use one shoe for everythin. goin to sch, runnin, playin, goin out. but tt has changed, i hate to admit. not coz of me, but coz of my parents. they think when u go out, it should look nice, not wif tears or holes. so last yr, i had tt blue nike, which was quite gd. i used it to go to sch, play soccer, run, go out, watever. but since then... hmm.. my dad forced me to buy a new one coz there was a hole. come on, if u use ur shoe, theres bound to b damage! i'm the kind tt use till it breaks apart. but now.. i'm rather embarrassed to admit i've got like.. 6 pairs of shoes. i'm almost like a girl... i've got the leather like adidas campus, street soccer adidas, this new field soccer adidas, cross trainin nike, the white old school adidas, a converse slippers n a king's hill leather shoe tt's only used for formal events in sch n all. tt's 7... my my. but its not my fault! i juz get em coz my parents ask for it. fine, i think i more or less hav all the type i need for anythin tt i do. so yea.. no more probs!

o, forgot to mention this. before we went to suntec, we had lunch at this foot court below sim lim. there, i was almost gonna buy shanghai fried noodle when i noticed this pakistani/north indian stall. the guys there looked at me n said, hey, come, try this! so i was like, hmm, lets check them out, n was surprisingly treated v nicely, they knew i was one of them. they talked to me in mix of hindi n urdu n i felt nice tt i can b finally identified wif certain ppl. n they can tell wat i am. i've had all sorts of ppl askin me whether i'm brazilian, portuguese, arab, israeli, palestinian, eurasian, etc etc. i remember couple of hispanics came up to me in the train station in NYC n asked me stuff in spanish, n i was like, que no habla.. n they were like o? really? nvm then. so yea, its only the bengalis, hindis n the pakistanis tt can tell wat i am coz its either they know i'm one of them or they can tell the difference, although i'm nothin like one.

yea.. after all tt, came back, played soccer again. but today somethin unusual happened when one kid was bein tickled by so many kids somethin went wrong. supposedly one kid kicked n another threw grass on his face. so cant blame him, he snapped, whacked the hell outta the guy nearest to him, n reacted violently to the girl who tried to calm him down, but all in avail. i was playin wif the soccer ball, so i didnt see exactly wat happened, but got all those who were involved n told them wat shouldnt happen n to keep the situation under control all the time. n then i went off to the kid who was tryin to b isolated n talked to him, tryin to calm him down n givin assurances as i could. i kinda realised these skills i garnered by bein a prefect n in council does come into gd use at times like these. well, bein the oldest among the ppl down there, it was the least i should hav done as a older role model for the kids there. i hope everythin goes ok, but gotta see.

hmmm.. finally wrote quite a lot in a long long time. another day of revision tomorrow before the mayhem restarts. i can do it... or can i..? time will tell...

Final Score from Goodison Park;

Everton 2

Tomasz Radzinski 66th
Duncan Ferguson 87th (pen)

Newcastle 2

Alan Shearer 58th (pen), 81st (pen)

Damn it. Juz when i tot we could finally win for the first time this season. They do it again. now we got juz 2 pts from 4 matches, puttin us in 17th place above leicester on goal diff. but we got a match in hand, if we win tt, mayb propell us all the way to mayb 13th place? but tt's supposin we win, which seems rather hard this season. kay, first things first. Laurent Robert, our flamboyant left winger as well as a big mouthed slippery tongued bastard, claimed few days back tt it was coz of our dear chap, sir bobby tt newcastle was doin so badly. now, i think he deserved to get sent off for such harsh comments wif his aloof plays since his arrival. but, come on, at 39th mins? u gotta b kiddin me, if u gonna get sent off, get sent off on second half man. well, lookin at his play, he thinks he's so gd. he's gd, but he gotta show it, not expect it. luckily everton had naysmith sent off, if not for tt, we might hav been lookin at a defeat tonite. so this time, it was coz of u laurent. keep tt mouth shut, its not the first time, n show us wat u're really capable of b4 tt youngster n quite a looker, viana takes over, coz if u ask me, i think he's much much better than ya. all n all, its a gd result, considerin everton is a gd team. but wat happened to all tt hype bt the new english hero wayne rooney? he started but was substituted after 30 mins of play. gaf, david moyes says he wanna protect the 17 yr old from overexposure. fine, cant say anythin bt tt. but it was our hero alan shearer tt did the sayin. retired england international he might b. we might b doin bad, but now he's joint top scorer wif 5 goals together with michael owen. 5 goals in 4 matches is gd ya know. but i jus realised tt he has scored all of newcastle's goals in the premiership so far. but as long as his goals keep comin in, n the team plays better, we can look forward to a better season. after all, we started badly last season too, but we ended up 3rd ultimately, almost challengin for the title till february.

other highlights of today... hmm.. ah, dear portsmouth proved tt they're no lucky fellas. they drew arsenal at highbury. amazin stuff. 'cheski' of cuz won comprehensively. they too hav a match in hand, i suppose they'll tie arsenal at the top. hmm.. tt's it for this saturday footie.

didnt get to go to MAF at HCJC today. allan pulled out coz he had to attend a weddin dinner n marc didnt get back, i think he wanted to study. cant blame him, he was in indonesia n came back tues so i guess he missed out a lot of studyin. so i wasnt gonna go alone, i wouldnt enjoy. junli has her own friends n her classmates n i cant expect her to keep me company all the time. besides, my cousin joined us for dinner so, tt was another reason y i couldnt go. ah well. things like this happen.

so played soccer instead. saw quite funny goals n not so goals being scored. it was quite hilarious. i think it was okay today. turnin n twistin, scored some gd goals today.

had nice dinner, followed my cousin n parents to little india for a while coz my cousin needed to get her mom some stuff. he's flyin off in the mornin tomorrow. i guess the enxt time i'll see him is when i hopefully go to bangladesh in december. i've yet to see his daughter wit my eyes, so tt's another thing to look forward to. i love playin wif kids.

kk i guess tt's it for today. another day to rest tomorrow. then monday. then the prelims madness begins yet again. i'm so screwed...