"You beat your head upon your wall
You disconnect yourself from it all
Cause you know that you're so beautiful and so untouchable
And I want to get in so bad and I don't know how
And I don't know how"

I believe that everyone has an artist or a band that they can listen to that makes them feel better, even in times of despair, sadness, anger, ecstacy, etc. For me, that particular band thats the cure-all would be the Goo Goo Dolls. I'm feelin so fucked right now, but when i pop their album into my discman n start listening to them, it makes me feel as if i'm in a totally different world, receivin comfort juz for myself. n at tt instand, nothin else matters to u except for the music n urself. I dont know how to describe the effect fully, but it makes u feel so good, so calm, so serene. Its the only remedy that i can seek for in times like these.

What i did not post last night is a major news tt might affect me greatly in weeks to come. there's this cousin tt i have livin in Bangladesh, who hasnt even turned one if i'm not wrong, if not, two. he has some growth problem. so their family, who is related to my mom's side (the mother's a cousin of my mom, so tt makes the kids second generation cousins in a way) came over durin the SARS outbreak, tt i remember distinctively coz i was muggin for BT 1 at tt time. one look at the baby, n u could tell somethin was wrong wit him, but other than tt he was ok. juz tt he cried way too often n looked sick. after some testin n tryin to see whether there was excess fluid in his head, it was juz said tt he was sufferin from malnutrition. a big phew, coz tt can b resolved. so the family went back, fearin the SARS outbreak tt was drivin SG nuts. 2 days ago, my mom went to the doc to get a report for him or somethin n she received a bad news bt him. they said tt if his growth problem persists, he might not live long. brain development is everythin durin infancy. she juz cried n i couldnt do anythin. wat was i to do? this was a baby, to whom i was lookin forward to come back from sch juz to look n play n care for him. n his life was bein torn away coz of reasons yet unknown. the doc said tt they'll b havin phase to phase analysis but tt's not gonna b possible wit them goin back to Bangladesh. tt place is a hell lot worse place to raise a kid wif all the pollution n all. mayb tt's y. but i dont get it. how could they not detect this earlier? how could they not tell the signs earlier? its not easy, fine, but y? i'm juz askin the qtns as i go on. went to the mosque, really prayed tt somethin b done. if i'm to really believe in a religion, then the time is now, if somethin happens miraculously, then tt proves theres tt someone up there, or isnt there?

i'm afraid the process might dog me down in weeks to come, hopefully not durin the A's. there might b another scenario i gotta deal wit. tt's my proudly 102 yr old great grandpa, of my mom's family. accordin to my mom, he's rather doin badly as well n he might not make it till i get to go to Bangladesh after my A's. he's one of the most respected academic in Bangladesh, as I'm told. another generation up the ladder is another greatly respected man throughout the nation, someone great enough to b on the national stamp. i've got one kept at home. my family ladder seems v solid in terms of academic supremacy. is tt blood runnin in my streams? i'm led to believe tt's a no.

JC has effectively killed my interest in chemistry. honestly speakin, i can only study for physics n maths right now. the only factor tt'll determine my grades for chem in the A's will b my ability to 'memorise' organic chemistry. at the rate i'm goin, as ive said tons of times b4 in my previous blogs, i'll b happy wif CCC. i'm aimin for an A or B for phy, cant expect much for maths as As n the Bs will b taken up by those who does Further Maths n the other non FM maths maestros, n i'm not tt established in maths, but i'll try for a B or C. so tt leaves me with chem, tt's the memory subject i have. i'll try my best in the next 2 mths, coz i hope tt'll b the last i see of memory work. i finally passed GP albeit after moderation. so dependin on how it goes, coz i've not got all my papers back yet, i am currently lookin at COCOA. tt's if i manage to get an O for chem, but i'm likely to get a F tt's v close to an O. What the fuck am i doin. i've been doin a lot of maths practice n lot of readin for chem n i hope tt continues coz its buildin me up. if i go at this rate, i think i'll do juz ok. but juz ok isnt gd enough. i need more.

i was feelin very glum today, i hav no idea y. ive got no reason to b except tt its a bloody friday. we didnt get our phy p3 back, i didnt get to talk to Mr Mannan, we didnt get all of chem back (21.5/60 for P2, 37/75 for chem prac, was told markin was harsh) n the only gd thing was gettin to know our GP grade b4 monday. other than tt, u could see me not bein interested in life at all. ppl say prison kills a man. well, the prison is the school for me now n its killin me goin to sch to do nothin coz i cant do stuff at my own plan, own pace. juz get me outta this dump, i'll shout. i rather b at home studyin n practicin. tt contributed a lot to my stonin durin gp, my mind wonderin somewhere else while the teacher went through in depth analysis of the essay qtns. i passed my essay, but failed terribly in compre. ah well. after chem lesson, i left for mosque to never return. chem double period lect was juz torture to even consider.

Junwen came back today, n Junli finished her exams so i tot i could use some company. so i met Junwen after prayers for lunch at Farrer Market, him tellin me his great time at San Francisco n his renowned determination for everythin. way to go man, u can do it, keep tt fire alive. tt'll get u through hardest of times. Went over to Holland Village to meet up with Junli, who was obviously ecstatic tt her prelims ended, havin a whole wk of holiday to destress b4 the results n the eventual revision sinks in once again. seein how the two were so happy wif their lives right now, i decided i should keep the rigours to myself. i mean, y should i pull em down along wif me when their life's at a high? i hav my own ups n downs n i can deal wif tt myself too. its juz a phase, i'll pass it soon. but wat i did realise was tt tho i tried my best to talk up n stir up interestin conversation, my mind frequently popped outta my physical self. at moments, i could definately swear tt i could stare down at myself juz stonin while Junwen n Junli talked. i was tired, moody, stressed, worried, everythin u can think of.

someone might die, i might screw up, runnin outta time, physically n mentally need a break....

was supposed to go watch Forbidden City wit couple of ppl tonight, but we couldnt get the tickets. Marc suggested we go for dinner, which i was okay with. but wif the state of condition today, i juz coudnt make myself go. under normal circumstances, i wouldve gone gladly. but somehow, i didnt feel like it. not only tt, my dad's in Bangladesh right now, n he wouldnt like me to b outside havin dinner rather than lookin after my mom n bro at home. i've got a duty n responsibility too. i didnt feel it was right, while i supposed the trio of Denise, Koustav n Marc enjoyed, i didnt wanna bring the ambience down wif my condition. i juz decided to go home n rest.

i'm not complainin. everyone deals wif this every now n then. juz tt mine happened to pass now. not at a gd time.

another bombshell. Zeeshan, my classmate, a gd friend, SAJC's cricket captain, captain of under-19 national cricket team, paki, etc, etc.... is attached to Lin Yan, a fellow councillor! Zee had told me since OBS tt they were on gd terms, but i would've never expected the two to go 'together.' seein them today talkin n leavin sch, i could not help but feel happy for em. tts another attachment within my circle. off goes Junwen, Lionel, Zee, Utkarsh, Adeline, Clarisse, Wayne etc etc. its gd tt they've got some close company to spend some intimacy wit. i long for tt. but somehow i cant put my own pieces together. i dunno if i'm afraid to make the move or juz think it wont change much. besides, i'm leavin v soon, which makes no pt in me bein attached, esp when u gotta consider i'm uncertain bt comin back here. n overseas stuff r so hard to maintain. not tt i dun wanna, i'll definately put my all to it. its juz i guess the elements arent set in the right conditions yet. n i'm pretty much ok wif the way things r, coz even if somethin were to happen, these things wont change much n our lives will go on as per normal.

tts not wats botherin me. to realise tt someone close to u, or someone u considered close to u had been experiencin episodes of great amuse, struck me today. Junli supposedly has a friend who does stuff to himself tt sometimes even she was lost at wat to do. i personally was v surprised at this statement. how could i not know? y hadnt i asked? y didnt she tell me b4? when u find out stuff tt ur friends hasnt told u b4, u cant help but feel, hav i been so out of touch or could i juz not hav tot of these stuff? i'm not a gd conversationist, if theres such a word. i guess my relation wif my best friend, Hazril, has made me a listener rather than a talker. so i love to hear ppl talk to me. analyse their exp in my head n make them part of my own. tt's wat makes me today. ppls exp, converted to make it seem like i've experienced. hence, i usually tell ppl, if theyve got an issue, come talk to me, i'll juz listen n help u out if i can. but it isnt easy. ppl wont juz come up to u n talk. u gotta initiate the conversation. i cant do tt. n i think tts the reason y i'm missin out on a lot of ppl's stuff. ive always wanted to b tt somebody's friend u can juz talk to. i wanna get to tt level to everyone, but tt's technically not possible. so it kinda struck me findin out Junli had kept this traumatic episode from me. i dont blame u, dont worry Junli. its juz tt i feel i couldve done somethin. i kinda get upset when my close friends dont tell me stuff knowin they can talk to me, but they juz wont. i know its my job to go ask em wats wrong b4 they can tell me stuff. i hate to see ppl suffer on their own by keepin things entirely to em. its not right. so i let myself b the one who ppl can talk to, so tt at least ppl can feel a little better, knowin there's someone who cares to know n listen.

i guess my condition today wasnt the best of time to do such stuff. i was feelin so jaded after everythin, i got home, showered n had a nice 2-3 hrs sleep. when i woke up i felt so fucked i was swayin to the bathroom. but yea, got my act together, got myself composed.

Thanks Paulina for makin me feel a little better wit tt short chat on the net. tts the kinda things tt make a difference to me. i felt a lot better after tt, n of couse much better after blabberin everythin on this blog. juz a notice, this is my blog, i say watever i wanna say to comfort myself. nothin here is meant to b a direct insult or question to anyone. so juz read, dont qtn, coz its not meant to b a bitchin at anybody. juz a personal reflection to make me feel better. n it has worked.

might decide to watch tt Arsenal vs Newcastle match few hours later. doesnt matter whether we win or lose. juz wanna watch them play. i think ive now got the spirit to mug the whole of this wk. i'll do more maths n finish up physical as well as comprehend fully inorganic chem. i can do it, yes i can. alrite, lets see how the wkend goes.