"I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I've become so tired so much more aware
I've becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you."

if i tot yesterday was bad... it was juz gettin worse...

i had given up on my chem coz my p2 n prac was a goner, leavin me nothin to do about it. but i think i did fairly ok for tt. but yea, the best i can hope for chem now is juz a O, but i think i'll b gettin a F. chem will b finalised wif p1 tomorrow which is my chance to salvage some opportunity to scramble for some marks. i cant b fucked.

so tt brings me to main topic of the day, PHYSICS!!! i tot it was goin perfectly well when the p1 seemed rather straight forward. was amused to see there were 2 qtns i was discussin wif denise n zeeshan juz an hour b4 the exams, exact same qtns came out. denise was sittin behind me on my right, when the invigilator told us to amend the qtn, i looked back at denise n juz smiled. how lucky can it b. even zeeshan was thankin me after the paper. i had kinda seen couple of the qtns previously, so i was thinkin, hey, this isnt tt bad, i'm on my way here... how wrong i was...

deng deng deng.. p2.. horror of horrors. i'm struck by the first question. okay, not exactly the first, but yea, readin the graph was okay, concept ok, but nature of qtn? didnt get anythin at all! i'm like, erm, potential on the surface of moon, uh huh... wat the heck!! flipped to next qtn, i tot, k, this one can do, only to find out after first part, i'm stuck again. flip to next qtn, flip, flip, flip.... yea, u get the picture. not many i could do! i skip qtns for later on coz i dun wanna waste too much time figurin out, might as well finish up those u can do rite? i went all the way to the last qtn, data analysis. i tot finally, there was somethin. even tho i could do it, the answers seemed so ridiculous! i suddenly felt like yesterday when the questions didnt seem too hard, juz tt nothin was comin into my brains. i was like, y, oh y.. this is physics! its my thang! y is this happenin... felt like breakin down like yesterday's maths paper.

y do they test so hard? is it really the toughness tt's the issue here or testin us for wat we r being taught? it seemed like studyin for exams was pointless if we were gonna b tested like this. its almost like a test to distinguish one fact, either u're a genius, or a retard. i definately felt like the latter. was comforted to know tt it wasnt juz me. angie, joel n denise were all expressin their anguish n suddenly i was like, eh, they cant do too? miss k came later on n asked me, 'was the paper tt tough? i saw so many ppl's paper totally blank!' then i knew. it was a ultra hard paper. well, at least not so bad if most of the ppl couldnt do. but really, it brings us one question. do we really need to b scared till we piss in our pants so tt we'll mug non stop for prelims? wats the pt? if tt's the case, then dont do all these depressin ritual. its really unhealthy. at least for me. i was slowly feelin me tearin myself apart in my head. i cant do anythin anymore. theres chem p1 n phy p3 left, but i dont think it'll matter coz i think my prelims r gone already. n i'm reluctant to believe tt my grades would juz shoot up juz by workin hard till the A's. its... v unlikely. then sit for wat? but theres a minor part of me tt's more determined to get it through. whether tt minor will start to overdrive the major, i'll know in a couple of days, or by next wk. its the only way, but risky, coz in A's, we're not being graded for wat we get anymore. it depends on ur percentile in the country. tt's a scarier thought. juz a diff of few marks will make a great diff now. wats it gonna b, hows it gonna b... really, like the song 'Numb', i become so numb after these turbulent two days.