fucking hell.

yea tts the only word tt comes to my mind now.

i had set my eyes on Carnegie Mellon University. My plan for the day was to print out the completed Common Application, print the supplement paper, study chem and at night, when my dad's at home, I'll submit and pay for the Early Decision application. Just when I was about to print the forms, my dad called.

He blasted me over the phone. (To summarise an ordeal I don't wanna think about.)

What the fuck, he could have told me everythin last night, why must he call me up in the middle of the day, which left me only about 24 hours to settle everythin? Its just way too late now. Its apply for ED or apply for regular by 1st Jan. Nothing to lose. He started scolding me for not consulting my uncle nor cousins over the essays which, yes, I agree, are important, but what do you have me do? Its less than 24 hours now, even if i send em, how much time is there to review, correct, send, n get approval? Remember, there's about 12 hours of difference. If I call now, its midnight in Boston and New York. Everyone must be tired and sleepy by now, how can I ask them for help. They too are busy with their own shit. They dont live for me, I fucking know that. I know I should have consulted them. But he doesnt get it. To call them would be calling them between 10-12 o clock. For the past 3 days, I've been having A Level papers during that time. Not only that, I have been studying. What would you have me do? I simply have no choice to do anything, do I?

I'm so fucking under pressure since end of prelims. I've been studying for SAT I, then SAT II, then A Levels and now sitting for them. Tt's since 3rd week of September. Its been fucking crazy time for me. On top of that, I had to search for gd schs, consult sources to check their academic rating, SAT score range, student faculty ratio, specialities, tuition fees, etc, etc. And then, compile everything, eliminate and then analyse again. Its a very tiring process, believe me. While everyone else only had A Level revision to worry about, I've had to handle all these other shit. I'm not grumbling, I actually liked searching for schools. But dont just come from nowhere and point fingers and say I didnt do this, I didnt do that. Fuck that. I did everything necessary. I've planned everything out. Its only when I'm interfered thats when everything goes haywire. I mean, my uncle is so busy with his work, and its already bad enough that I'm troubling him with my essays. I cant simply ask him whether he had read n editted my work after few days. He needs time too. Everyone needs time. I need time. N now, I'm sitting for the A Levels, that's the only thing I should be thinkin bout.

I really wanted to throw and smash the phone when my dad suddenly quirped ; what are you going to do with your A Levels?

If he knew, he should have told me long time ago so that I dont need to waste my fucking time over the fucking exams and concentrate fully on my application. I dont need to be told that. Man, I tell him every single process and he doesnt seem to listen or care. N he says he listens to everything. Yea right. If he listened to everything, he would know how many things I'm juggling right now. If I am to just concentrate on the application, I might as well not sit for A Levels. Why sit when I didnt get to study for it? I'm already bad enough, its not gonna be any better, would it?

I know what I'm doing. Nobody else needs to tell me what to do. Just leave me and let me do my own shit. Come on, of course I thought about everything, I wont just do things blindly, would I?

There is so much frustration, irritation and anger in me that I just do not know what more to say. And after yesterday, I was supposed to feel all calm and good. Look what happened now. Everything is screwed up. Everything could hav been fine.

I know my chances of getting in to Carnegie Mellon is low. But at least I can throw a dart. I would know the results by mid december and if it didnt work, then of course I would have gotten a improved essay ready by then so that I would apply again for regular admission. Like, duh???

Damn it. Fuck all. I'm gonna blast Audioslave, Rage Against The Machine and Massive Attack at full volume to make me feel better.

Oh, sorry to waste all you reader's precious time. To cut the long story short; I don't think I'll apply to Carnegie Mellon University on Early Decision anymore due to some complicated reasons. Period.

Fucking hell...