ok today's entry would b rather personal.

met up wit my bengali friends on sat afternoon. armaan, nafi, sunny, shuvro n chahat. had lunch at macd n played pool for a while before i had to head off. prob wont b seeing those guys for quite sometime. tho ive known them in a short capacity, they hav welcomed me warmly to their group since we took our O's. they've been hanging around with eachother for very long time and its amazin to think how easily they seemed to accept me as one of their own, when i was very much not, n i mean in a bengali sense. i owe them a great deal for they were the only ones tt made me feel like i was still a bengali, as they too were pretty much like myself, only tt nobody knows unless you get to know em.

yea, then met paulina for dinner. she seemed a lil too quiet, but i guess it was alrite, considerin i dont hav much time left to see her anymore. even if i do come back to singapore, it'd b doubtful if i can see her since she'll b back in indonesia next yr. through the 3 yrs ive known her, she's left a deep impression to me and im very fond of her. is truly a pity i gotta leave at this crucial moment. ill miss her a lot, tts for sure.

somehow or other, i didnt feel tt well after i sent paulina home. the bengali guys asked if i wanted to go china black wit em. as u all know, im not the clubbin kind. so i tot i might as well walk down orchard wit some soul music playin n recollect myself. afterall, i dont think i hav tt many opportunity to b walkin in the middle of the city so late into the night, prob singapore's like the only place tts safe for things like tt. i realised i like walkin in the middle of the night, feelin the breeze on my face n juz think about stuff. after prom nite, we were walkin around orchard till 2 plus, after those numerous parties, i would b walkin to the bus stop or hailin a cab, i dunno if i can do tt in the states. plus, there were things tt were bothering me.

i popped in the alicia keys cd tt i borrowed from wei fen (thanx!) n headed back to orchard. tons on questions were already in my head after i read paulina's letter, which made me realise only then tt i was actually leavin in like 5 days time. went to pacific plaza, saw tt there was a v long queue for china black. met the guys, they lined up, i joined em. i was almost gonna enter when sunny reminded me tt i could not enter a club in three quarters, an ignorance in blessing, i realised afterwards. besides, i wasnt too keen on goin clubbin anyway, i really felt like thinkin bt my probs. so the three quarters was a gd reason for me to embark on my own solo walk around orchard while they were in china black. i popped my alicia keys cd n started thinkin n walkin.

went to borders, they were still open when it was almost 12. since i had finished michael crichton's 'prey' not too long ago, i was really interestin in readin his other bks, such as congo, the andromeda strain, etc etc. the novel version of the HBO hit, 'Taken' really caught my eyes, but as i gotta control my financial outflow, i backed outta buyin a bk. i headed to wisma area.

as i was walkin around without a purpose, i was thinkin about why i had to leave, wat i had to do, wat would happen in the future, etc etc. basically a culmination of thoughts from the incidents tt took place in the recent days. even if i werent thinkin, i juz wanted to be by myself n hav some quality time reflecting.

i'll b leavin a whole bunch of friends tt i made strong ties with in the past 4 years. mayb its another one of those chapter tt i hav to endure. it didnt hit hard when i came from japan coz i was only 8. basically ive been switchin environments every now n then. left japan when i was 8, left the singapore japanese sch in 2.5 yrs to go to UWC, left UWC in 2.5 yrs to go to QSS, spent 4 ys in QSS, then SAJC, tt also ended in 2 yrs n now im movin to a different country, a different environment altogether. but i'll b having a fresh chance at everything all over again. n i hav to b careful not to repeat the mistakes ive made durin my time here. a completely new try. im gonna study consistently, im gonna exercise regularly, be a better person to everyone tt i come across, etc etc. work towards my goals.

whatever the case, there is opportunity to be taken advantage of. even if i am to end up in a community college or some state university. i can work my way up from there if i juz press myself.

im sick n tired of being made to do wat im expected of, so im juz gonna do things my way. one of the restrictions i felt was being bengali n all, since we hav our way of behavin n doin stuff in some ways. since i never grew up around such customs, i think i will b able to experiment a lifestyle on my own. im approachin 20 n i think i know wat i want n how i want them.

im feelin v regretful of the opportunities i didnt seize. but instead of thinkin bt it over n over again, im gonna let the next few yrs be my quest. im tt determined.

throughout the walk, i had a chance to do couple of things tt im known not to do.

i went to a pub along the pubs behind centerpoint. one of the pub was showin a fa cup tie between fulham n west ham. i juz felt like sittin down n watch the gave wit a bottle of liquor. i could hav done it, but i didnt.

at times i was feelin so angry n some of these people juz sittin down n doin nothin were smokin. since so many of my friends smoke too, i would've juz gone ahead n got myself a cigarette n smoke, juz for the kick of it.

i could hav done so many other things, but ultimately i didnt. i didnt do anything. kinda made me feel better later on, as i realised it was my ability to push away temptations tt made me the person i am today. a non-conformist, i dont do things unless there r reasons n purpose behind it. as of the two hour walk tt i had on sat nite, i was ready to chuck away tt very character of mine, juz for the kick of it. could u believe tt? juz 2 hrs n the me i always were would hav been juz blown away.

suddenly i felt gd bt myself after tt. suddenly i started thinkin more logically, optimistically. dropped off 2 bucks to a busker along the underpass from lido to tangs. then i headed to a 7 eleven for a cup of green tea.

i realised theres a 7 eleven like every 50m or so along orchard road. one of those weird things u notice when uve got really nothin to do.

as i was walkin out of the 7 eleven near the thai embassy, a transvestive casually made this remark to me 'you're so cute ah!' i was wearin my headphones so i pretended like i didnt hear his/her comments. i wasnt sure if i should b bothered by tt. honestly, i couldnt b cared.

headed to china black, where i hoped my friends would b finished. was around 2 already. i juz tried to listen more to alicia keys n analyse her success behind 'songs in a minor.' as i was doin tt, i could observe those comin out of china black, close to passin out, shoutin like madman, pukin in a corner, talkin like a big shot on the handphone, swayin from side to side. after seein all the behaviours of these ppl, i suddenly felt glad tt i didnt go in to china black coz i would hav prob gotten more pissed n angry at the cheap thrill tt people seeked. i would b embarassed to b like tt juz for few hours of 'fun.' i dunno how other ppl define clubbin, but im more convinced than ever tt it simply isnt the thing for me.

met candace while i was waiting. i finally got to know the name of the girl tt i met durin the photo shoot for the sch yrbk. she was feelin a lil high, but she knew wat she was doin. it seemed tt we both never got to know of our names n were referrin to eachother somehow by description. i gave her my email add upon her request n she added me on friendster later on in the morning. talked to candace for a while bout why i was leaving n all before the two went back to china black.

since it seemed like my friends were not gonna b comin out anytime soon, i hailed a cab n went home.

'you are beautiful... no matter what they say...'

woke up at nine, didnt really feel too tired considerin i was awake til 3 earlier on. cleared some of my stuff from my room n tried helpin my mom pack.

met koustav n evelyn at 12 at orchard mrt. it was surprisin how some ppl confirmed tt they were comin n assumed it was cancelled juz coz i didnt get back at them. n how some ppl will notify me of their late arrival only minutes before the actual time. n late cancellations n all.

but i think we had a great time in marche. i met the NS guys who i wont see for quite sometime. u guys take care, hopefully ill see u guys soon. for those guys who wanna make it to OCS, well, strive on!

will b meetin some on thursday, before my flight.

walked around taka n lucky plaza before i headed back. i was feelin way too tired after goin out n walkin so much durin the past few days. the continuous wearin on contact lenses was also takin a toll on my eyes, makin it teary n red.

junli n junwen - thanx for the jacket, its really nice.

hui - i'll take the next few days to listen to the CD. i trust your recommendation, i'll try to feel the sounds of the band. n i was quite touched by your words on the letter. thanx you.

at the end of the day, im still feelin like this particular section of sarah mclachlan's 'i will remember you.' it describes my emotions perfectly. ive editted it a little to make it seem personal.

"I'm so tired that I can't sleep
Standing on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how I feel so much yet cannot say a word
I am screaming inside oh I can't be heard"

i feel like im about to repeat a mistake tt i committed a few yrs back. i really want to express how i feel, but it juz isnt the time. hence the expression above.

but as the liberated slave said in gladiator,

not yet.

not yet.