"Will you, Will you love me tomorrow?
So Will You, Will you stay with me today?
Will you, Will you be here tomorrow?
So Will You, you remember yesterday?"

tts a new single by P.O.D.. They're releasin a new album soon. i'm not exactly a fan of their's. but my brother told me about this song so i thought i give it a try. its an ok song, not great. but i juz like the last part of the song where the lead singer juz keeps screamin 'will you, will you' over n over again wif all the rock noise. makes me feel gd hearin stuff like tt.

i'm in a v reflective/philosophical type of mood today. i feel like raisin couple of issues tt's been goin around in my head for the past few days. whether i'll actually get to type all those thoughts down is questionable. if i can hav the patience to type everythin then only would tt b possible. i guess i'll try my best. sometimes things juz slips outta my head n i forget abt it. if tt doesnt happen n if i can type everythin, then this is gonna b one long entry. could b one of the longest i'll ever blogged. hey, i said i feel v reflective rite.

k. one.

wat the fuck am i doin wit life. its so boring. its almost as if i'm waitin for the A's to end officially so tt i can go off globe trottin n discover a new side to life. i'm supposed to b studyin, somethin i cant really get myself goin at. i wake up every mornin, watch the baseball playoffs, then i try to study. doesnt last more than 2 hrs. then i'll b on the pc, bloggin like now or lookin for new contacts in friendster. used to juz surf for soccer stuff n music. then, i'll feel lathargic so i'll go to sleep. wake up, shower n try to study again. its been like tt. theres no inspiration. theres no motive. theres no goal. wait, goal, there is. to get gd grades so tt i can go to uni/take the course i want/my my friends family proud/it sets ur future. RIGHT. who r we tryin to bullshit? i dun need the A's. the only reason y i considered doin A's is not to take the A Levels, but my first yr would b smooth in US. See, I was thinkin one step ahead. takin the As n doin well wasnt part of my plans. but i've got no choice now do i? i was supposed to leave after O's. i decided, since JC is so extensive, it might b gd if i juz learn the syllabus n leave before prelims. tt meant tt i was supposed to go to Uni this Sept. tt didnt happen. y? coz i decided to stay. y oh y. now i'm wonderin y. y didnt i juz send the fuckin application wherever university it might hav been? shit, wit the minimal A level syllabus i know, i could've breezed past freshman yr, or mayb i couldve gone straight to sophomore yr! wat the fuck did i do. supposedly its imp. not to me! all i need is my bloody SAT n i'm there! shit, i dont think i even need my As at all! so y am i so bothered? argh, 3/4 wks to the bloody A's n i'm not studyin properly. y, y, y. i'm havin headaches, maybe tt's y i cant sit n study for long long hrs. its quite sad if u think abt it. i read in the SAT study bk, tt for most american high sch students, SAT is the first time they're sittin for a 3 hr paper. i'm like wat the fuck. in sg, tt's unthinkable. we're like sittin for exams term in term out n these guys definately got it easy man! i'd rather b in their shoes, wit minimal SAT prep, while they can enjoy sch life, n take the test n go to uni. here, we're workin hard for it! we're like dedicatin few months of our sch lives juz to sit n do well for the god darn exams! its kinda sad to think tt ppl get As not coz they're smart, but coz they work sooo hard for it. theres like a distinction between the two. it shouldnt b tt way. ppl who r smart should get As. i'm not sayin i'm smart. but its difficult to understand y we work so hard for so little. sure, get grades, go to u, gd job, gd pay. but wats it worth in sg? wat can u really do? the most u can expect is a nice car, nice house. wat else can u do in sg? inversely, tt's wat we all work so hard to achieve. we're never happy wit wat we want, y b so competitive when the prize is so minute? it makes me shudder to imagine tt.

talkin bt tt brings me to second issue. ive been bumpin into ppl from my sec sch be it in real life or online quite frequently these few months. n it makes me laugh when i find out tt they actually think i'm still the same. they actually think i'm flyin high in JC as well. i'm like, HAHA. tts so not true. i dunno if i was perceived as smart in Queensway, but its a whole different story in SA or any other JC. its a different world that they havent seen. if they tot i was smart, well, almost the whole sch's made of ppl who r naturally smarter than me. i might hav been one of the top in QSS, but in SA, i'm one of the bottom few, i'm confident of tt. its a diff world totally. all these ppl i knew come up to me n ask me the same old qtn. "u doin triple science? how's ur prelims? all A's rite? not surprising!' i'm like... hello... its not QSS anymore. if u tot it was the same, then u guys r so wrong. i wonder y ppl expect tt out of me. noone does the same everywhere. when we go to new places, things change. i can definately say tt i'm a whole lot of different person than i used to b. i'm more easy goin, playful, heck-care, less hard workin, liberal, etc. ive changed a lot, probably in these ppl's eyes. juz tt they've not seen me for sometime. ppl ppl, if u tot tt QSS was it, well u better know, even if ure not from QSS, that life after sec sch's so different. i used to think QSS was it. but once i entered SA, i discovered a whole new world i didnt know existed! diff ppl, diff system, diff everythin. i dont mean any insult at all, but come on, did u seriously think i would hav it easy? it might hav been quite easy for me back in QSS, but not anymore. in fact, its so diff, i dunno wat to say anymore. its juz tt these ppl hasnt seen wat i've seen. if only they had seen it would they know how much diff a place can b. if i tell em tt i'm actually failin tests n exams, studyin for it but still failin, skippin lectures, not doin homework, goin out while i'm supposed to do work, etc, i gues these ppl wouldnt believe me. well, tt's me now. tt's wat i do. wanna know more? i dun seem to b bothered when i fail anymore. i was lookin through my academic records, n realised, I was always in the top 25% for physics these two yrs, whereas the rest of the subjects, GP, chemistry n maths, i've been goin up n down, but most of the time down. ppl like me, who study to get ideas n concepts, n not study study juz to answer qtns, seem to b the kind of ppl tt will find it tough in JC. u hear ppl sayin all the time, o, tt guy/girl always does well in sec sch, y is he/she doin so badly now? i tot he/she was smart?' well, i guess they belong to the same category as me. minimal studyin, quite gd output. we absorb quite a lot but juz tt things we do now require comprehensive knowledge, things u need to b doin every single day, day in, day out, knowin things inside out. i'm juz not like tt. n i wont b. mayb i hav no choice for the next 2 mths, i dunno.

third issue of the day... hmm.. wat was it. see, i forgot some stuff i wanted to mention already. hmm. o yeah, i went to the mosque today n this little thing always pisses me off. y is it tt ppl tend to consider a muslim straightaway as malay? i mean, this bloody country emphasizes so much on religious n racial harmony i tot the citizen here should b more clear than anyone else regardin the difference between the two. cant they see that being a muslim is not being a malay? i get quite offended coz no matter how screwed up i might be, i'm quite proud of wat i am. so when i tell ppl tt i'm a muslim n the others regard it as me being malay, i get very pissed. then how about those arabs? they're muslim. but they dont look anythin like malay do they? in fact, they look more caucasian than anythin else. y is it, juz coz i might look like one means i am one? i tot everyone should get it clear by now tt muslim is a religion, malay is a race. i dunno how those two can b intertwined. its so simple logic. y is it then tt in sg, u say u're a christian n it doesnt mean chinese? yea, of cuz there r indian christians, but arent there indian muslims too? its juz so dumb to come to a conclusion like tt.

four. i guess ppl hasnt really seen my darker side yet. i mean, i hardly lose my cool. there r times where i get so easily irritated, one thin n i can blow off. my temper is usually subtle, if not, under control. but at times, i could juz scream the hell out of a person. not many of my friends know this side of me i guess. even if they did, i guess they havent seen well enough. sometimes i rack up so much anger n violence inside of me, i could really scare the hell out of someone. most of the time i bend it away by kickin harder on a soccer ball, or juz blast the headphones wit some real heavy metal music. but there r times i take it out on a person. really. once i think i almost took a kid's head off coz i was so mad n i kicked so hard at the ball i wasnt carin where it was flyin off to. once someone deliberately took the ball off me when it was supposed to b a free kick i juz shouted at the person so loud. once someone tried to hit my face or somethin i grabbed the person n threw him on the ground. i do hav dark past. who doesnt? its juz whether we wanna admit em or not. i do hav pasts i rather not share coz i'm ashamed of em. noone's squeaky clean. i did stuff tt not many would expect me to hav done. but ah well, i was quite small then. i prob didnt know wat i was thinkin. funny how when ure a kid it could all b forgiven, but if u do em at this age, its not gd. ys tt. i wonder.

k i meant to type much much more provocative discussion but i'm feelin tired n nothin's comin to my head or i dun wanna type nomore.. this is wat i mean. ive got an idea, but while in the course of writin it down or doin somethin bt it, it slips outta my mind. mayb if i think of it next time i wont forget to type em down. juz a preview. it was somethin to do wit how ppl perceive things if someone famous/known has somethin to do wit it, how ppl does certain actions tts supposed to attract our attention n we're expected to do somethin abt it, in a way tt u're expected to behave, etc. i dunno. but this has been long enough n i dun wanna bore u guys anymore. if u guys actually bothered to read this far, tt is.