"But you can say baby
Baby can I hold you tonight
Maybe if I told you the right words
At the right time you'd be mine"

alrite... before u go "ew walid, thats a boyzone song! so gay!" lemme tell y'all something. that song was a cover. it was originally written n sung by Tracy Chapman, who ive been listenin to endlessly for the past few days.

havent been bloggin for a long long time. had been havin some time to think by myself n after talkin to Junwen last nite, everything's pretty clear to me, i guess.

havent exactly been having a great time. Paulina left for her exchange programme to Melbourne yesterday, then she'll go back to Jakarta for the holidays, so I wont see her til January at the earliest. That hurts me a lot considerin we're somewhat in contact with eachother through one way or another almost everyday. To me, its like we've grown so close to eachother in terms of everything n suddenly theres this gap while we are away, doing our own thing n I already feel this big gap in my life right now. I hope she has a great time in Melbourne n subsequently enjoy the long break that she badly needs after a year of hard work. but i'll be missing her a lot while she's gone.

Another problem was that I screwed up my SAT that I had taken earlier in the month, gettin 490 for Verbals! I mean, what the fuck is that man. I improved slightly in maths but because of the big drop in verbals, my overall is down by 30 to 1160. I was very pissed. I mean how could you not be? Theres this huge gap between two subjects and I cant do anythin bout it now but accept it.

Then there was this parents vs kids soccer match for Deepavali celebration at my estate. The previous two incidents obviously not helping, my temper juz gave away when I observed that obvious handballs were not given, throw ins not given properly by linesman who know the rules n worst was when i took a shot, the keeper fumbled it, then i went out, should be a corner yea? nope, it was supposedly 'over-ruled' and then they scored. I got so pissed I juz started arguin with the parents over the fiasco. the 'usual' me would hav juz played on n play sportingly. but yea, due to happenings, i flared up. in front of everyone. i regret deeply for my actions. i mean, me, as a 19 year old should know better. i should b the mature one, makin sure everythin is ok, preventin anythin from goin wrong n i juz cant help but sigh at my own actions for showin immaturity n reckless behavior. but i still stick to y i got angry. i mean, these r fundamental rules of soccer, if they're not followed, i juz cant play. rules r there to b obeyed, if not, wat r rules for? so i kinda told everyone off that I'll be a refree and show everyone wat was rules. i guess its scant consolation that i kinda proved my point ultimately that instead of bein biased, i was very fair to both sides. some of the dads were passin off remarks behind my back whether i was happy when the kids team was leadin, but they kinda shut up when i denied the kids team certain penalties n throw ins n the parents eventually won. the better ones of the parents told me that they were impressed that i was being very fair, but i juz couldnt help but feel that they were somehow tryin to make me feel better due to the earlier meelee. but damage done, i wish i could apologize infront of everyone at the dinner party later.

yea, everythin was goin wrong. but then, our Army Boy, Junwen made it all better for me. He's such a wonderful person to talk n listen to. He made me erase all my shit n i feel so much better. i juz told him wat was goin on n wat was wrong, etc n he relates to himself as well as his own opinion n gave me a whole new perspective that i wouldnt see by my ownself.

as for SAT, well, its still possible for me to go to a decent Uni. from there, i'll juz hav to work doubly hard. i mean by goin through JC, we hav effectively learnt the art of proper independant studyin. i know how its supposed to be done n tho i didnt excercise em properly for the A's, i've learnt it the hard way n i'll definately use it properly when i go to Uni. somehow, i'm confident i'll make it there. mayb this is a blessin in disguise. tho i might hav screwed my A's, this will make me work harder. this score might send me to lower ranked Unis, but from there, it should be that i hav higher chance of succeeding, then if i make sure i do well, then by second yr, i'll transfer to an Ivy league school, which should b easier to get in through transfer than to get in as freshman. so fingers crossed, hope that works well. I mean ive got nothing to lose. Even if i end up in University of Texas, or Illionois or Massachusetts, its still a new experience for me, new things, new people, new environment. But part of me wants to go to these public schools n then to private college. so i'm gonna do it.

there r some more things that we discussed but i'm not gonna put those coz its rather private, somethin i wouldnt feel too comfortable thinkin tt people might read on my blog. so sorry but these r issues tt can only be discussed between close friends.

but i feel so much better. by any chance, it should spur me on to study more for the A's. still havent got down to proper studyin as of yet.