"And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
Oh may
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
Oh may
Do you wanna get married or run away
I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide"
Tt's the part tt u were talkin bt rite, Hui? Yep, tt's a very nice section of the song indeed. Wish I could sing it to someone.
Another day of rottin in sch. Usually the first perioud would have been free but we had a so called talk today so tt wasnt to b. 'bust tt stress' was the talk. i was not payin complete attention so i cant say much bt it. but if i needed help i wouldnt get help from talks like these.
we were given 5 envelopes later for the sch to send us notices for various things in the future. tts when i tried to think where i'll b next yr. i'll b in uni, fittin in in the new environment, new friends n all. i couldnt tell exactly where i'll b, but juz wrote 2 for the current address here, which i think my dad, at least would b here. my mom n bro might stay for another yr. i wrote 2 to my aunt's address in Boston. most of our legal mails n registration stuff goes there so they'll forward me wherever i might b.
then came the highlight of a boring day. Lokesh's birthday bash. i muz say, it was one of the sickest acts of all bashes. he tried runnin away but i managed to catch up with him n Utkarsh subsequently took him to the toilet, arms tightly around his neck. haha, the prayer, singing of the birthday song, beatin the hell outta him, strippin him was the usual stuff tt we do to everyone. but wat happened after tt.. man, i can still feel like pukin. utkarsh got a pair of scissors out, we held Lokesh on the ground, i was pinnin one of his shoulders with my knees, Zee held the other n whole load of others holdin his arms n legs. but actually we didnt need to. coz he knew he better not move. y? coz utkarsh was cuttin his pubes off! i'm ok wit tt, cuttin his hair n pubes off. but wat Utkarsh did later... man... he took the bunch of freshly cut pubes n smeared them around Lokesh's face! i was like, no shit..! then Utkarsh took some more off, stuffed em into the nose n forced open the mouth. i so wanted to puke then. then we juz grabbed a hose, drenched him in water n ran off, usual style. haha. but his bashin was bad enough. ppl really kicked n punched the hell outta him... i guess the frustrations of prelims n all other stuff went to him, esp after tt stress bustin talk. instead of takin it upon ourselves like some weirdos do, we took it out on him. haha, Happy Birthday Lokesh!
Juz got down to my SAT prep again. Finally finished my maths n can do those mini sections tt i'm weak at from now on. but while i was doin all these SAT n stuff, there were ppl so implied tt we should sit for SAT without any prep. yea, i agree. i mean, our usual work is much tougher than the SAT standard, so its straightforward to us, but tt doesnt mean u should juz go withour prior practice. i mean, in order to not juz score, but score high, there r finer techniques necessary. maths is simple to us. but things like verbal, u need to know the skill. n tho maths is simple, if ur tactic is gd, u can score better. there r ways to guess smartly instead of juz wild guessin by elimination n stuff n those small pts r wat makes a difference. ppl keep tellin me to not to waste my time studyin for SAT n instead, study for A's. but lemme juz say this. most of u guys here, A levels r 75% of ur entry criteria, major bulk, but for me, SAT, tho how simple it might seem, is 75%, well, at least, if not more. i mean, i dun think my A level grades seriously affect my entry. at least i'm endin up, most prob at UT Austin or Marquette n UMass Amherst. i know wat i'm doin. juz dont come n tell me how easy SAT is to my face. i know tt. i'm juz lookin to get a better score. realistically, i dun think my A's gonna b tt impressive, so i might as well fine tune my SAT I n II.
Man utd lost surprisingly. so did chelski. so except for Celtic, the other British teams didnt do so well. ah well, who cares. even if newcastle had been through, they would've got walloped by Marseille n Real Madrid. qualification would hav been quite slim too. but we're on comfort way to UEFA Second Round. we gotta beat the Saints this week to get things started b4 worryin bt anythin else. As superstitious as i may b, i think i better re post a big poster of Shearer in my room. somehow or rather, i'm led to believe tt they started performin badly since i had to take it down coz the double sided tapes werent holdin the poster well. i'll put it up tomorrow n if Newcastle wins, well, tt might say somethin. haha, crazy fan i am.
Thursday, October 02, 2003
hmmm.. in the wake of reports of various companies shuttin down those websites n chatrooms discussin n mentionin specific names of EPL football players possibly involved in the gang raping of an English girl. so i decided it'll b safe for me to remove that section tt comprehensively discussed the issue from my point of view. i mean i wouldnt want this blog to b suspended juz coz i talked abt tt.
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
"Could you whisper in my ears
The things you wanna feel
I'll do anything
To feel it coming
Do you wake up on your own
and wonder where you are?
You live with all your faults."
I dont think I've ever been so bad in my entire school life. Went to school, only attended one lesson, GP. Well, i turned up for Physics lecture, but no lecturer came in the end, so everyone started leaving. Didnt go for maths lecture nor tutorial, n neither did i attend chem lect.
Forgot next wk was lecture timetable only, so today was effectively the last PE session. but i missed it. i wanted to finish up my SAT stuff coz i was goin to Junwen's place tonight. coz of the ppl comin in n out n talkin to me while i did my SAT, couldnt really concentrate n finish it up in the allocated time. but i managed to finish one part n did another when i got home today. Today was 650 n 690. I've got two more papers till i do the last prep on the computer n it seems so far tt i'll get between 650-700 for the actual. as i said last night, SAT scores dont really fluctuate n u get wat u deserve. i juz hope tt my Verbals dont offset the maths n pull down the overall. i've yet to do verbal papers but i'll b happy to get like 650 for tt. my previous was 540 n i dun think it'll jump significantly. so i'll suppose i'll get like 580 or so. so where does tt put me... 1200 to 1300? hmm... USC looks gd wit tt score n mayb UMich is reacheable. i guess i can wave bye bye to Ivies for first 2 yrs. i think goin to public u for 2 yrs n private for the last 2 would b benefittin from both sides.
ah well. i'll settle those stuff after A's. i'm gettin worried btw. its 40 days to A's. if i go on like this, i'm so screwed. i'm ok for phy, mayb can do maths, but definately not chem. i'm runnin out of time n sch n other stuff to do isnt helpin. if i dun mug like the whole day for the next couple of weeks, i'm done for. somehow i dun think i got enough time to do revision. mayb juz barely enough to scrape past. i'm v worried for chem coz memorizin is the only thing tt's botherin me. 40 days isnt enough, considerin maths n chem p2 r on first 3 days. followed by chem p3. by then, my fate for 3 subjects would hav been sealed shut. it'll b pretty much safe for me to start phy after all tt r over, but i dun wanna take my chance.
i'm thinkin. right now, i'm only doin SAT maths. i'll finish by tomorrow n start my verbals. i've got stats mock exam on monday n GP mock exam on tues. tt hampers my plans. coz these exams r after our normal timetable. y cant we juz get it done n over with in the mornin n spare us time in the afternoon! fri is farewell assembly, most prob everyone would wanna go out n hav a memorable day to mark the end of sch life. so tt leaves only bt 2 days next wk. arghhhh..... SAT's on sat, n next wed is chem prac already. then phy prac a wk later. few wks SAT II. i havent got started on tt. then a wk, then A's. i'm so fucked. i see ppl around me gettin like CDE or BCE n stuff for prelims. these r the guys who get ABB or AAC for actual. I got a bloody COO. hows mine gonna improve to a decent standard like tt.
better stop grumblin n worryin and actually get started with work.
so i did wat i planned for today n went over to Junwen's place after dinner. Glen, Jaime, Mike, Chang King n Thomas were there. we juz talked crap n played cards to mark the last day b4 Junwen leaves for NS tomorrow. so there goes another close buddy. well, he'll come back time to time, but it removes tt element from ur daily life. ah well, soon i'm gonna hav to leave quite a lot of ppl. tt's gonna b worse for me. anyways, he's quite lookin forward to enjoyin his time. so i wish him all the best of times. take care of yaself mate.
man, i got another day like today tomorrow. fri would b worse coz i got lessons all the way. i'll decide not to go for few of em. cant take doin nothin or somethin tt's not worthwhile of time anymore. i got too much stuff to do.
Lauryn Hill's 'Ex-Factor' song's tune kept ringin in my head. cant help but wonder y. not like i lost some love interest. particularly this bit tt goes "where were you when I needed you?" i'm actually bouncin inside me these two days so i dunno how tt applies. but its a nice song, no doubt bt tt.
The things you wanna feel
I'll do anything
To feel it coming
Do you wake up on your own
and wonder where you are?
You live with all your faults."
I dont think I've ever been so bad in my entire school life. Went to school, only attended one lesson, GP. Well, i turned up for Physics lecture, but no lecturer came in the end, so everyone started leaving. Didnt go for maths lecture nor tutorial, n neither did i attend chem lect.
Forgot next wk was lecture timetable only, so today was effectively the last PE session. but i missed it. i wanted to finish up my SAT stuff coz i was goin to Junwen's place tonight. coz of the ppl comin in n out n talkin to me while i did my SAT, couldnt really concentrate n finish it up in the allocated time. but i managed to finish one part n did another when i got home today. Today was 650 n 690. I've got two more papers till i do the last prep on the computer n it seems so far tt i'll get between 650-700 for the actual. as i said last night, SAT scores dont really fluctuate n u get wat u deserve. i juz hope tt my Verbals dont offset the maths n pull down the overall. i've yet to do verbal papers but i'll b happy to get like 650 for tt. my previous was 540 n i dun think it'll jump significantly. so i'll suppose i'll get like 580 or so. so where does tt put me... 1200 to 1300? hmm... USC looks gd wit tt score n mayb UMich is reacheable. i guess i can wave bye bye to Ivies for first 2 yrs. i think goin to public u for 2 yrs n private for the last 2 would b benefittin from both sides.
ah well. i'll settle those stuff after A's. i'm gettin worried btw. its 40 days to A's. if i go on like this, i'm so screwed. i'm ok for phy, mayb can do maths, but definately not chem. i'm runnin out of time n sch n other stuff to do isnt helpin. if i dun mug like the whole day for the next couple of weeks, i'm done for. somehow i dun think i got enough time to do revision. mayb juz barely enough to scrape past. i'm v worried for chem coz memorizin is the only thing tt's botherin me. 40 days isnt enough, considerin maths n chem p2 r on first 3 days. followed by chem p3. by then, my fate for 3 subjects would hav been sealed shut. it'll b pretty much safe for me to start phy after all tt r over, but i dun wanna take my chance.
i'm thinkin. right now, i'm only doin SAT maths. i'll finish by tomorrow n start my verbals. i've got stats mock exam on monday n GP mock exam on tues. tt hampers my plans. coz these exams r after our normal timetable. y cant we juz get it done n over with in the mornin n spare us time in the afternoon! fri is farewell assembly, most prob everyone would wanna go out n hav a memorable day to mark the end of sch life. so tt leaves only bt 2 days next wk. arghhhh..... SAT's on sat, n next wed is chem prac already. then phy prac a wk later. few wks SAT II. i havent got started on tt. then a wk, then A's. i'm so fucked. i see ppl around me gettin like CDE or BCE n stuff for prelims. these r the guys who get ABB or AAC for actual. I got a bloody COO. hows mine gonna improve to a decent standard like tt.
better stop grumblin n worryin and actually get started with work.
so i did wat i planned for today n went over to Junwen's place after dinner. Glen, Jaime, Mike, Chang King n Thomas were there. we juz talked crap n played cards to mark the last day b4 Junwen leaves for NS tomorrow. so there goes another close buddy. well, he'll come back time to time, but it removes tt element from ur daily life. ah well, soon i'm gonna hav to leave quite a lot of ppl. tt's gonna b worse for me. anyways, he's quite lookin forward to enjoyin his time. so i wish him all the best of times. take care of yaself mate.
man, i got another day like today tomorrow. fri would b worse coz i got lessons all the way. i'll decide not to go for few of em. cant take doin nothin or somethin tt's not worthwhile of time anymore. i got too much stuff to do.
Lauryn Hill's 'Ex-Factor' song's tune kept ringin in my head. cant help but wonder y. not like i lost some love interest. particularly this bit tt goes "where were you when I needed you?" i'm actually bouncin inside me these two days so i dunno how tt applies. but its a nice song, no doubt bt tt.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
"Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"
I think im finally over the over stressed n depressed phase. at the end of the day, i felt somethin inside my head hoppin up n down with joy or happiness. couldnt tell y tho. its a tuesday, damn slack, almost felt like a holiday. compared to yesterday, very contrastin sch life in juz 2 days. tho i've gotta say maths was a bore, tryin to keep still durin 2 periods wasnt too comfortable. but we finally finished watchin 'Meet The Parents' later on in ME so tt was quite hilarious. Physics was better! we discussed prelim qtns for 1 perioid, n the other period was basically spent on listenin to Mr Mannan's hilarious experiences with computers and NS life. everyone juz got restless once he started talkin phy n when he diverted, everyone would stop to listen n all. but my god, we were laughin till we cried.
got a lot of stuff to discuss tonight. so i'm gonna press the issue.
first one, about the rapin of a girl by 7 English Premier League stars.
*Section removed/censored in order to prevent myself from gettin into legal problems*
second issue for today.. rather provocative n mayb im bein a little too sensitive...
but i noticed... some ppl.. in sch or in public places... they 'know' they're bein looked at or somethin, n they behave in such a way like they're so in a league of their own. ok, u might think i've bein too absolute. but when u actually observe the same person doin tt more than a number of times, u can help but notice such irritatin gesture. suppose i'm sittin down in the caf, ppl naturally would walk past. by normal standards, its 50-50 tt someone passin by looks into ur eyes n u look back. tt's perfectly normal. then in a flash, we look away kinda thin. i mean, if they arent someone u know, its unlikely tt u maintain eye contact. but these ppl, they NEVER look. its so weird. u can tell that they know ure lookin at them coz they keep such a fake straight face n pretend to walk past n didnt see u. i'm not talkin bt girls, but guys as well. its almost like, y r u lookin at me, i'm too gd or too cool for u. i get so disgusted by this. i can pin point certain individuals in sch, who ive noticed does it all the time. i dunno if its juz me or them, but u cant help but feel sad for em in a way. think u got class? think again. mayb u dont. u juz think u do.
came back home rather early, coz its tuesday, showered, coz it was so darn hot n i was sweatin mad once again. once i was done with tt, got down to my work for today; do 3 SAT maths papers. its a pain in the butt, coz i gotta analyse my mistakes n all after markin everythin. the scores were quite the same. 630 for first, 690 for second, 670 for last. i guess SAT is a pretty gd way to see ur standard, coz u get wat u r capable of. doesnt improve much nor deprove.
while takin one of the breaks in between the tests, came across one of those personality test n gotta say, this one speaks v well of me. in fact, i think its one of my best description i've ever come across.
i was v surprised at the result, but after readin, i kinda agreed. yea, this is me.
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
some of u might not b able to read this, so here is the same thing.
'you are the rock, the keystone of your friends n family. they look to you for support n leadership. you dont push for devotion or attention but when the situation is dire, even the idols n exhibitionists will turn to you. you are the trusted the loved. you have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type and are fiercely devoted to your friends n lovers. highy idealistic you would rather sacrifice everythin for a person or cause you believe in. but you trust so deeply n compassionately that a betrayal could shatter you. jealousy is your downfall and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamored. be careful who you place your trust in, for a protector's broken heart will never fully heal. the world needs more of you but you are few. and sometimes it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders'
I know you care for me
There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me
Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me
Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me"
I think im finally over the over stressed n depressed phase. at the end of the day, i felt somethin inside my head hoppin up n down with joy or happiness. couldnt tell y tho. its a tuesday, damn slack, almost felt like a holiday. compared to yesterday, very contrastin sch life in juz 2 days. tho i've gotta say maths was a bore, tryin to keep still durin 2 periods wasnt too comfortable. but we finally finished watchin 'Meet The Parents' later on in ME so tt was quite hilarious. Physics was better! we discussed prelim qtns for 1 perioid, n the other period was basically spent on listenin to Mr Mannan's hilarious experiences with computers and NS life. everyone juz got restless once he started talkin phy n when he diverted, everyone would stop to listen n all. but my god, we were laughin till we cried.
got a lot of stuff to discuss tonight. so i'm gonna press the issue.
first one, about the rapin of a girl by 7 English Premier League stars.
*Section removed/censored in order to prevent myself from gettin into legal problems*
second issue for today.. rather provocative n mayb im bein a little too sensitive...
but i noticed... some ppl.. in sch or in public places... they 'know' they're bein looked at or somethin, n they behave in such a way like they're so in a league of their own. ok, u might think i've bein too absolute. but when u actually observe the same person doin tt more than a number of times, u can help but notice such irritatin gesture. suppose i'm sittin down in the caf, ppl naturally would walk past. by normal standards, its 50-50 tt someone passin by looks into ur eyes n u look back. tt's perfectly normal. then in a flash, we look away kinda thin. i mean, if they arent someone u know, its unlikely tt u maintain eye contact. but these ppl, they NEVER look. its so weird. u can tell that they know ure lookin at them coz they keep such a fake straight face n pretend to walk past n didnt see u. i'm not talkin bt girls, but guys as well. its almost like, y r u lookin at me, i'm too gd or too cool for u. i get so disgusted by this. i can pin point certain individuals in sch, who ive noticed does it all the time. i dunno if its juz me or them, but u cant help but feel sad for em in a way. think u got class? think again. mayb u dont. u juz think u do.
came back home rather early, coz its tuesday, showered, coz it was so darn hot n i was sweatin mad once again. once i was done with tt, got down to my work for today; do 3 SAT maths papers. its a pain in the butt, coz i gotta analyse my mistakes n all after markin everythin. the scores were quite the same. 630 for first, 690 for second, 670 for last. i guess SAT is a pretty gd way to see ur standard, coz u get wat u r capable of. doesnt improve much nor deprove.
while takin one of the breaks in between the tests, came across one of those personality test n gotta say, this one speaks v well of me. in fact, i think its one of my best description i've ever come across.
i was v surprised at the result, but after readin, i kinda agreed. yea, this is me.
Protector
The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla
some of u might not b able to read this, so here is the same thing.
'you are the rock, the keystone of your friends n family. they look to you for support n leadership. you dont push for devotion or attention but when the situation is dire, even the idols n exhibitionists will turn to you. you are the trusted the loved. you have the capacity to love more deeply than any other type and are fiercely devoted to your friends n lovers. highy idealistic you would rather sacrifice everythin for a person or cause you believe in. but you trust so deeply n compassionately that a betrayal could shatter you. jealousy is your downfall and sometimes you need to give people more space and not become so enamored. be careful who you place your trust in, for a protector's broken heart will never fully heal. the world needs more of you but you are few. and sometimes it seems like you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders'
Monday, September 29, 2003
"I'm the king of the castle
and you're the girl that I stole
Crash into me
Crash into me, yeah"
My god, I've never been so bored n tortured in school like today in my entire life. It started out ok, finally gettin that Phy p3 back, got 62 outta 110, if not for careless mistakes, i couldve done better, but tt's always the case. so over all, well, after moderation of 12 mks out of 310 that Mr. Mannan so-called 'fought' for, got 61. Tt's a C to an upper end. Hmm... its not excellent, but yea, juz ok. He says I should get an A in A's so that's very encouragin. I was sweatin like mad while he went through some of the answers coz the air con was bein used for the hall coz J1s were havin exams n all. i was like, so sticky n restless by the first period, imagine. pulled my trousers up to my knees n tie undone, sittin in class like a zombie. Then it was chem. oooh i did so well. muahaha. well, i pretty much gave up on chem b4 the prelims even got started so i didnt expect much. but i'm on the way to gettin an O instead of a F i expected, if i get 14/40 for p1. (mcq hasnt been marked yet, i mean, its only passin it through the machine man...) the next almost 2 hrs were spent on goin through the paper which i juz couldnt pay attention anymore coz of the humidity n warmth. so it was sheer torture sittin dow there doin nothin waitin for time to pass. i was so bored i was derivin maths formulas of trigonometry n provin sin3x cos3x n bla bla bla. but tt didnt help either so i was calculatin my prelim marks in all ways u can think of. i had so much time to do tt n still stone. u wouldnt realise how ecstatic i felt when it was finally over. but worse was yet to come with GP. its funny if u look at my script, coz i did pass my essay section, but failed terribly for compre. its v contrasting. goin back to class n goin through compre paper was v borin. n it was so hot again i was startin to sweat once more. i was again so delighted at the end, coz i was finally gonna talk to Mr Mannan bout University application, which we were supposed to talk about ages ago.
well, it didnt exactly turn out the way i expected, we juz merely talked abt my options n application process. i tot he was gonna tell me specifically about certain stuff, but nah. Mr Mannan is a great person to talk to, in terms of academic, or juz talkin bt normal stuff. v few teachers r like tt. he can talk as tho he's ur good friend n u dont feel tt wall tt usually exists between a student and a teacher. got to know some interestin informations regardin grades n stuff as well. supposedly 30% to 40% of phy students takin A's in Singapore gets A so its v attainable, not as bad as i thought. i asked if SA was lenient in some marking n all, but it juz so happened certain qtns were juz easy, some were too hard so there wasnt much of a balance. u'll b surprised tt our grades r affected by economy. yes seriously. As and Bs might b comparatively easier in phy cozthe country might wanna encourage more engineers in the industry n thus, set the median lower n all tt stuff. i tot it was only in Singapore, but not necessarily so. he does agree to a certain extent tt its not gd, but he has his reservations regardin this issue. a lot of eye openin issues.
well, he juz told me to keep lookin n observe carefully coz accordin to his experience, u can transfer fields if ure an engineer, but once ure somethin else, u cant b an engineer. so i can keep my options open bt business. one funny thin, he said he cant do business coz he cant imagine tryin to sell a product tt costs 2 bucks for say 10 bucks coz he feels guilty. he might sell it was 2 or even cheaper, resultin in losses. haha, hows tt? i found tt so hilarious but he was so honest with himself about the principles. he really is an amazin man.
yea.. so hot, so sweaty. i juz wanted to go home n sleep coz i couldnt take it anymore. i tell ya, if everyday until next wk's gonna b like this, i so wouldnt come to sch anymore.
i had to get started on my SAT prep. easiest stuff to handle, maths. i did the diagnostics from the guide tt i have to get it started. not too gd. estimated score 620 tonight. boy, i need to do somethin abt tt. n tts at the comfort of drinks in my own room, not under standard conditions where i hav to shade answers n at the same time answerin them. ah well, i can roughly see where i need improvements n start workin on those b4 i go for the dreaded verbal. sch ends rather early, so i'll come back n do three more test prep for maths n see how i do overall. its rather simple. i should b able to do 3 if i try to manage time properly. coz i take quite a lot of time analysin the qtns i missed n got wrong n makin like a table of need to improve stuff n all the figures i use for my own analysis. i like doin in depth analysis of these stuff. so if i juz get through the analysis part fast, then i should do 3 papers. another 3 for the next 2 days n i should start practin for the weak areas b4 i move on to verbal.
goin through prelims n preppin for As made me realise how much easier preppin for SAT for the American high school students r. some go in wif juz SAT. quite a lot does AP, tts somethin like As but much simpler, but man, theres like no stress at all involved. wat kinda life r we leadin...
Hmm.. okay, pretty tired n exhausted coz of so much inactivity today. o, the girl who commented bt my nose n eyes happened to smile n say hi to me, all of a sudden. tt was kinda surprisin but it was nice. lit up my borin day for a little while.
and you're the girl that I stole
Crash into me
Crash into me, yeah"
My god, I've never been so bored n tortured in school like today in my entire life. It started out ok, finally gettin that Phy p3 back, got 62 outta 110, if not for careless mistakes, i couldve done better, but tt's always the case. so over all, well, after moderation of 12 mks out of 310 that Mr. Mannan so-called 'fought' for, got 61. Tt's a C to an upper end. Hmm... its not excellent, but yea, juz ok. He says I should get an A in A's so that's very encouragin. I was sweatin like mad while he went through some of the answers coz the air con was bein used for the hall coz J1s were havin exams n all. i was like, so sticky n restless by the first period, imagine. pulled my trousers up to my knees n tie undone, sittin in class like a zombie. Then it was chem. oooh i did so well. muahaha. well, i pretty much gave up on chem b4 the prelims even got started so i didnt expect much. but i'm on the way to gettin an O instead of a F i expected, if i get 14/40 for p1. (mcq hasnt been marked yet, i mean, its only passin it through the machine man...) the next almost 2 hrs were spent on goin through the paper which i juz couldnt pay attention anymore coz of the humidity n warmth. so it was sheer torture sittin dow there doin nothin waitin for time to pass. i was so bored i was derivin maths formulas of trigonometry n provin sin3x cos3x n bla bla bla. but tt didnt help either so i was calculatin my prelim marks in all ways u can think of. i had so much time to do tt n still stone. u wouldnt realise how ecstatic i felt when it was finally over. but worse was yet to come with GP. its funny if u look at my script, coz i did pass my essay section, but failed terribly for compre. its v contrasting. goin back to class n goin through compre paper was v borin. n it was so hot again i was startin to sweat once more. i was again so delighted at the end, coz i was finally gonna talk to Mr Mannan bout University application, which we were supposed to talk about ages ago.
well, it didnt exactly turn out the way i expected, we juz merely talked abt my options n application process. i tot he was gonna tell me specifically about certain stuff, but nah. Mr Mannan is a great person to talk to, in terms of academic, or juz talkin bt normal stuff. v few teachers r like tt. he can talk as tho he's ur good friend n u dont feel tt wall tt usually exists between a student and a teacher. got to know some interestin informations regardin grades n stuff as well. supposedly 30% to 40% of phy students takin A's in Singapore gets A so its v attainable, not as bad as i thought. i asked if SA was lenient in some marking n all, but it juz so happened certain qtns were juz easy, some were too hard so there wasnt much of a balance. u'll b surprised tt our grades r affected by economy. yes seriously. As and Bs might b comparatively easier in phy cozthe country might wanna encourage more engineers in the industry n thus, set the median lower n all tt stuff. i tot it was only in Singapore, but not necessarily so. he does agree to a certain extent tt its not gd, but he has his reservations regardin this issue. a lot of eye openin issues.
well, he juz told me to keep lookin n observe carefully coz accordin to his experience, u can transfer fields if ure an engineer, but once ure somethin else, u cant b an engineer. so i can keep my options open bt business. one funny thin, he said he cant do business coz he cant imagine tryin to sell a product tt costs 2 bucks for say 10 bucks coz he feels guilty. he might sell it was 2 or even cheaper, resultin in losses. haha, hows tt? i found tt so hilarious but he was so honest with himself about the principles. he really is an amazin man.
yea.. so hot, so sweaty. i juz wanted to go home n sleep coz i couldnt take it anymore. i tell ya, if everyday until next wk's gonna b like this, i so wouldnt come to sch anymore.
i had to get started on my SAT prep. easiest stuff to handle, maths. i did the diagnostics from the guide tt i have to get it started. not too gd. estimated score 620 tonight. boy, i need to do somethin abt tt. n tts at the comfort of drinks in my own room, not under standard conditions where i hav to shade answers n at the same time answerin them. ah well, i can roughly see where i need improvements n start workin on those b4 i go for the dreaded verbal. sch ends rather early, so i'll come back n do three more test prep for maths n see how i do overall. its rather simple. i should b able to do 3 if i try to manage time properly. coz i take quite a lot of time analysin the qtns i missed n got wrong n makin like a table of need to improve stuff n all the figures i use for my own analysis. i like doin in depth analysis of these stuff. so if i juz get through the analysis part fast, then i should do 3 papers. another 3 for the next 2 days n i should start practin for the weak areas b4 i move on to verbal.
goin through prelims n preppin for As made me realise how much easier preppin for SAT for the American high school students r. some go in wif juz SAT. quite a lot does AP, tts somethin like As but much simpler, but man, theres like no stress at all involved. wat kinda life r we leadin...
Hmm.. okay, pretty tired n exhausted coz of so much inactivity today. o, the girl who commented bt my nose n eyes happened to smile n say hi to me, all of a sudden. tt was kinda surprisin but it was nice. lit up my borin day for a little while.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
"I was reborn
When I was broken
I wouldn't believe
I wouldn't believe, no"
Okay, I'm gettin through the depression stage bit by bit. I'm past the low, now goin up. Lemme see wat happened today...
Hmm, woke up around 10, when i realised i was sweatin mad coz somehow aircon was switched off. mayb the power went out durin the night. nice little breakfast while i digested the new look sunday times. i think its all messed up. sports section is in the middle when i should b easily available on a weekend. ah well i guess gotta get used to it. i was lookin forward to readin the stuff about Devon Aoki, the weird lookin model from 2 Fast 2 Furious, but tt was juz a promo design. shucks. they say shes a funnyface, but she can look v v beautiful in certain shots.
Yea.. then i did this thing, the redesignin of blog. it was mostly cut n paste from out layout n shiftin n movin about n readjustin of some parameters, so not much of a job. surfed around for a little while.
Sports update! A.C. Fiorentina, once bankrupt n ditched from Italy's finest, records first victory in Serie B. Promotion back to the big time next season might b pushin hopes a little too far, but i think its very possible in 4 yrs time. To english first division... West Ham draws with Millwall, but very close to top few. Them gettin play off spot is a minimum if u ask me. Just hope Newcastle wont b the one exchangin Premiership status with them come end of this season. Baseball.. Red Sox secures AL Wild Card... One more game n off for first post season since 99? Its been long. Post season starts against Oakland Athletics, with Martinez startin, should b able to win first few series. Its always the AL Championship we gotta worry, when its most likely the Yankees blockin the way to World Series. I mean, we're in the same division for christ's sake, theres no tougher division in the whole of baseball than two of the best teams in the country vyin for tt one spot to post season.
Erm, okay, tt was unnecessary. Wat else... Was just lazin around, tryin to get physical rest from yesterdays rigours, feelin strain on my back n heel. gotta watch it, i might not b able to play in tip top condition next wk. So after watchin more tv n surfin, went down for 'light' soccer. yea, today was light, but the kids actin so smart almost ticked me off. one thing u might ask. kids? yea, i'm referrin kids as in the kiddies who live in my estate. most r around 11 to 15 years of age. u might b thinkin, jeez walid, get a life. well, i mean, i dont care who i play soccer with, even tho they're kids. to me, its a way of buildin up fitness n technique coz kids r more unpredictable when it comes to things like soccer. they can kick from anywhere anytime n u gotta b awake for any scenario. its juz fun playin wif em coz theyre playin to have fun. its cool to nibble the ball around short small legs kickin n tuggin at ya n i guess my ball control gets better tt way. anyway, today, the kids talked like they knew soccer inside out, i was on verge of snappin i just showed em a little of the rougher side of soccer n just quipped 'u wanna play soccer properly yea? fine, lets play then' n they juz shut up. i mean, i know theyre only kids, but there r limits. we had only 4 ppl playin in our team, them havin like 7, 8. now, no matter how gd one side may b, u cant expect outnumberin. it juz puts physical strain on us. it means we gotta run more, move more n play harder. n those kids were still complainin. every single mistake we made, every incomplete pass we made, they had somethin to say. so, yea, me, obviously bein in a bad mood for past few days, wit this not makin any better when i hoped for a nice time, just took the ball n went around their whole team n blasted the ball. shut em up for a while when they realised i was takin none of the nonsense. soon, it became kinda worse, so i just played like a tickin bomb, about to burst anytime, but i had it under control. the others were lookin at me, cautious not to do anythin wrong.
i can b pretty bad when i snap. i hardly lose my cool, but when i do, everythin comes out. ppl will get to see a side of me they never imagined b4. n its doesnt happen often, so most still dont know abt this. besides, i hardly let if out on a person, so yea.. once i did take it out on a person few yrs back. this guy kept kickin at my legs n once, i felt like he intentionally went for my face, i dunno if he really was or was it an accident, i grabbed the bugger n threw him to the ground n blasted at him "dont mothafuckin do that again u piece of shit!" or somethin n there was this dead silence everywhere. haha, see, ppl think i'm this normal calm guy, never expected me to blow like tt.
ah well, it happens doesnt it. when everyone got bored of playin, i just took the ball n kept hittin hard shots. part of me was practicin possible free kicks in the match next wk, part of me was juz tryin to bend frustration on the ball. ended up hurtin my toes, but tts juz me. i did feel a little better n was happy i had some gd shots.
i guess one regret will b this episode while playin soccer. i shifted to bein in defence after pumpin in couple of goals. so i was near this walk path leadin from swimmin pool as well as the carpark. i noticed this girl was walkin towards us. i've seen her b4. if i'm not wrong, then i suppose shes my age, if not mayb 21 or 22. she doesnt look local. probably an indonesian, a typical look, i might add. one of those rich family's dear daughter. it seemed like she had a class. i dunno if poly has classes on sundays or mayb it was a private sch. or mayb she was juz comin back home after she went out. anyway, she was walkin towards us, stopped in her tracks, then went back towards the car park lift. then while i was playin, i noticed she walkin towards us again. i looked at her, our eyes kinda crossed (i think), then she turned away yet again. i dun usually take note of such stuff, so i juz continued playin. but then, u noe when this kinda thing happens, u cant help but look back, n there i think she was, lookin at me yet again. now i was thinkin, okay, one, y is she lookin at me, two, wats she doin juz standin there, three, unlikely, but wat, she's actually lookin at me coz she fancies me? nah, come on... i'm pretty bad at these kinda stuff, usually neglect it so my chances pass by. haha, today couldve been another one of that. well, after couple of eye contacts, she decided to move on the the unit tt's inside the estate. it so happened my goalie wasnt payin attention n let in a stupid goal. then as she was walkin past, i cursed at the goalie n told em to pay attention n all. slap slap. bad move. if by any chance she did actually fancy me, then there goes my chance huh. cursin right infront of her wouldve so put up a gd impression. walid 0 stupidity 1. ah well. its not the first time. these kinda stuff rarely happen but when it does i juz gotta press the wrong switch all the time.
i think i'm bein too hopeful tho. i mean, y would she wanna look at me. but the thing is, we've seen eachother b4 n we did hav eye contact previously. so i was led to perceive.... ah fuck it. doesnt make any diff does it. even if somethin has happened, wat would hav happened after tt? things like suddenly goin out, havin a gd time n shit like tt happen only in bks n movies, how could i expect them. haha, stupid me.
nah, even if it happened, i couldnt. not now anyway.
blah blah. sch starts again tomorrow. i got 4 periods of chem n double period GP. a perfect day to kill urself at the start of the week. but wats new.
been listenin to a lot of 'scream' rock. makes me feel gd. it like gettin tt anger outta ur mind. theres this song by blindspot 'nil by mouth' n three days grace 'i hate everythin about you' as well as limp bizkit's 'eat you alive.' all feels v gd when u need to get rid of tt anger n fury in u. some classic examples r zach de la rocha of Rage, Korn, Limp Bizkit amongst others. sometimes i listen to slow moody songs to calm myself, if not, i resort to hard rock, metal music to burn it all up. its workin!
hmm.. ok i better stop. ive been typin all these in the dark. everyones asleep at home n the monitor's like the only bright thing in the whole house. but ive managed to type all these in the dark without lookin at the keyboard. haha, amazin wat kinda things u pick up after so much computin.
When I was broken
I wouldn't believe
I wouldn't believe, no"
Okay, I'm gettin through the depression stage bit by bit. I'm past the low, now goin up. Lemme see wat happened today...
Hmm, woke up around 10, when i realised i was sweatin mad coz somehow aircon was switched off. mayb the power went out durin the night. nice little breakfast while i digested the new look sunday times. i think its all messed up. sports section is in the middle when i should b easily available on a weekend. ah well i guess gotta get used to it. i was lookin forward to readin the stuff about Devon Aoki, the weird lookin model from 2 Fast 2 Furious, but tt was juz a promo design. shucks. they say shes a funnyface, but she can look v v beautiful in certain shots.
Yea.. then i did this thing, the redesignin of blog. it was mostly cut n paste from out layout n shiftin n movin about n readjustin of some parameters, so not much of a job. surfed around for a little while.
Sports update! A.C. Fiorentina, once bankrupt n ditched from Italy's finest, records first victory in Serie B. Promotion back to the big time next season might b pushin hopes a little too far, but i think its very possible in 4 yrs time. To english first division... West Ham draws with Millwall, but very close to top few. Them gettin play off spot is a minimum if u ask me. Just hope Newcastle wont b the one exchangin Premiership status with them come end of this season. Baseball.. Red Sox secures AL Wild Card... One more game n off for first post season since 99? Its been long. Post season starts against Oakland Athletics, with Martinez startin, should b able to win first few series. Its always the AL Championship we gotta worry, when its most likely the Yankees blockin the way to World Series. I mean, we're in the same division for christ's sake, theres no tougher division in the whole of baseball than two of the best teams in the country vyin for tt one spot to post season.
Erm, okay, tt was unnecessary. Wat else... Was just lazin around, tryin to get physical rest from yesterdays rigours, feelin strain on my back n heel. gotta watch it, i might not b able to play in tip top condition next wk. So after watchin more tv n surfin, went down for 'light' soccer. yea, today was light, but the kids actin so smart almost ticked me off. one thing u might ask. kids? yea, i'm referrin kids as in the kiddies who live in my estate. most r around 11 to 15 years of age. u might b thinkin, jeez walid, get a life. well, i mean, i dont care who i play soccer with, even tho they're kids. to me, its a way of buildin up fitness n technique coz kids r more unpredictable when it comes to things like soccer. they can kick from anywhere anytime n u gotta b awake for any scenario. its juz fun playin wif em coz theyre playin to have fun. its cool to nibble the ball around short small legs kickin n tuggin at ya n i guess my ball control gets better tt way. anyway, today, the kids talked like they knew soccer inside out, i was on verge of snappin i just showed em a little of the rougher side of soccer n just quipped 'u wanna play soccer properly yea? fine, lets play then' n they juz shut up. i mean, i know theyre only kids, but there r limits. we had only 4 ppl playin in our team, them havin like 7, 8. now, no matter how gd one side may b, u cant expect outnumberin. it juz puts physical strain on us. it means we gotta run more, move more n play harder. n those kids were still complainin. every single mistake we made, every incomplete pass we made, they had somethin to say. so, yea, me, obviously bein in a bad mood for past few days, wit this not makin any better when i hoped for a nice time, just took the ball n went around their whole team n blasted the ball. shut em up for a while when they realised i was takin none of the nonsense. soon, it became kinda worse, so i just played like a tickin bomb, about to burst anytime, but i had it under control. the others were lookin at me, cautious not to do anythin wrong.
i can b pretty bad when i snap. i hardly lose my cool, but when i do, everythin comes out. ppl will get to see a side of me they never imagined b4. n its doesnt happen often, so most still dont know abt this. besides, i hardly let if out on a person, so yea.. once i did take it out on a person few yrs back. this guy kept kickin at my legs n once, i felt like he intentionally went for my face, i dunno if he really was or was it an accident, i grabbed the bugger n threw him to the ground n blasted at him "dont mothafuckin do that again u piece of shit!" or somethin n there was this dead silence everywhere. haha, see, ppl think i'm this normal calm guy, never expected me to blow like tt.
ah well, it happens doesnt it. when everyone got bored of playin, i just took the ball n kept hittin hard shots. part of me was practicin possible free kicks in the match next wk, part of me was juz tryin to bend frustration on the ball. ended up hurtin my toes, but tts juz me. i did feel a little better n was happy i had some gd shots.
i guess one regret will b this episode while playin soccer. i shifted to bein in defence after pumpin in couple of goals. so i was near this walk path leadin from swimmin pool as well as the carpark. i noticed this girl was walkin towards us. i've seen her b4. if i'm not wrong, then i suppose shes my age, if not mayb 21 or 22. she doesnt look local. probably an indonesian, a typical look, i might add. one of those rich family's dear daughter. it seemed like she had a class. i dunno if poly has classes on sundays or mayb it was a private sch. or mayb she was juz comin back home after she went out. anyway, she was walkin towards us, stopped in her tracks, then went back towards the car park lift. then while i was playin, i noticed she walkin towards us again. i looked at her, our eyes kinda crossed (i think), then she turned away yet again. i dun usually take note of such stuff, so i juz continued playin. but then, u noe when this kinda thing happens, u cant help but look back, n there i think she was, lookin at me yet again. now i was thinkin, okay, one, y is she lookin at me, two, wats she doin juz standin there, three, unlikely, but wat, she's actually lookin at me coz she fancies me? nah, come on... i'm pretty bad at these kinda stuff, usually neglect it so my chances pass by. haha, today couldve been another one of that. well, after couple of eye contacts, she decided to move on the the unit tt's inside the estate. it so happened my goalie wasnt payin attention n let in a stupid goal. then as she was walkin past, i cursed at the goalie n told em to pay attention n all. slap slap. bad move. if by any chance she did actually fancy me, then there goes my chance huh. cursin right infront of her wouldve so put up a gd impression. walid 0 stupidity 1. ah well. its not the first time. these kinda stuff rarely happen but when it does i juz gotta press the wrong switch all the time.
i think i'm bein too hopeful tho. i mean, y would she wanna look at me. but the thing is, we've seen eachother b4 n we did hav eye contact previously. so i was led to perceive.... ah fuck it. doesnt make any diff does it. even if somethin has happened, wat would hav happened after tt? things like suddenly goin out, havin a gd time n shit like tt happen only in bks n movies, how could i expect them. haha, stupid me.
nah, even if it happened, i couldnt. not now anyway.
blah blah. sch starts again tomorrow. i got 4 periods of chem n double period GP. a perfect day to kill urself at the start of the week. but wats new.
been listenin to a lot of 'scream' rock. makes me feel gd. it like gettin tt anger outta ur mind. theres this song by blindspot 'nil by mouth' n three days grace 'i hate everythin about you' as well as limp bizkit's 'eat you alive.' all feels v gd when u need to get rid of tt anger n fury in u. some classic examples r zach de la rocha of Rage, Korn, Limp Bizkit amongst others. sometimes i listen to slow moody songs to calm myself, if not, i resort to hard rock, metal music to burn it all up. its workin!
hmm.. ok i better stop. ive been typin all these in the dark. everyones asleep at home n the monitor's like the only bright thing in the whole house. but ive managed to type all these in the dark without lookin at the keyboard. haha, amazin wat kinda things u pick up after so much computin.
A new look once again!
Whoa... okay, I have been fiddling around with setting of this new skin that I found since last night and finally managed to put whatever things I wanted the way I wanted. Looks very neat and clean. Such a fresh look. The only problem might be that its so black, but I guess I'm okay with that.
So fresh and so clean...
Whoa... okay, I have been fiddling around with setting of this new skin that I found since last night and finally managed to put whatever things I wanted the way I wanted. Looks very neat and clean. Such a fresh look. The only problem might be that its so black, but I guess I'm okay with that.
So fresh and so clean...
Saturday, September 27, 2003
"Gimme a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day"
Hmm... I'm bloggin now as I'm listenin to my own mix of songs that i made prior to my visit to the states this june. I've gotta say its one of the best mix CD i've ever made. It contains the soulful voices of Maxwell, Norah Jones, Vanessa Carlton and John Mayer among others. Its basically a compilation of songs I consider 'lounge' n all. Those music you play after midnite when u're juz sittin wif ur mates n all or juz reflecting. since i'm reflectin now, it serves a great companion. n the lyrics to most of the songs r nice too. the one above is taken from Avril Lavigne's "Tomorrow."
I was just listening to Massive Attack's "Teardrop" as well as Norah Jone's "Come Away With Me" and that makes me feel really at peace.
Didnt watch the game last night. When I first woke up, it was 0230 hrs. Maths starts at 0300. So I went back to sleep. Next things, its 0525. Match's long finished. So I went back to sleep n woke up at 1100. Man, that wasnt gd. I had study plan for today n i blew the morning. it didnt help tt Newcastle lost, yet again, 2-3, this time a penalty goin against our way as supposedly Jenas committed a handball after being pushed by a player. Ah well, wats new.
I woke up feelin quite fucked. So i just sat down, had a quiet breakfast while readin the papers n chilled till 12. I was all set, but my body wasnt exactly functionin well, so took another hour to set stuff right. i think i put extra pressure on my arm durin the night coz i was feelin a nerve irritation on my right arm. it jus accumulates pain till i couldnt take it anymore. tt went off bit by bit n i finally got down for serious stuff. I'm quite happy tt i managed to do basic revision for thermal chemistry, electrochemistry, chemical n ionic equilibrium as well as reaction kinetics. Tt means in the past few nights, i've more or less done basic readin of inorganic n physical chem except juz for chemical bondin. i'm quite happy. but whether i've really learnt from them will b proven next wk when i attempt actual qtns. i might have to restudy electrochem. but all n all, gd productivity for today.
still feelin quite dazed n glum from yesterday, but couldve been shite worse. i guess the music n bloggin n some contacts in the net has made me feel a little better.
to get the physical jadedness out, played a little soccer. i didnt sweat like this for quite some time. pretty calm moves, flicks here n there. ive got a council match on 10th, but not sure whether i should play. i've got SAT the next morning n i dont wanna b tired followin the match. SAT verbal's bt concentration, a part i lacked which resulted in shit marks for verbal. i guess i'll see bout tt.
as usual, premiership weekend. gonna watch couple of matches tonight. usually i would take a break on sunday, but might do a little chem to finish up physical chem n some maths. mayb i should go get one french movie for the evening.
monday's gonna b another screwed up day. this time, i should get everythin back. mayb not chem. ah well y worry bt grades anymore, like it makes a diff.
"Live while you can,
Don't you see your dreams right in the palm of your hand
right in the palm of your hand,
right in the palm of your hand.
Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by"
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day"
Hmm... I'm bloggin now as I'm listenin to my own mix of songs that i made prior to my visit to the states this june. I've gotta say its one of the best mix CD i've ever made. It contains the soulful voices of Maxwell, Norah Jones, Vanessa Carlton and John Mayer among others. Its basically a compilation of songs I consider 'lounge' n all. Those music you play after midnite when u're juz sittin wif ur mates n all or juz reflecting. since i'm reflectin now, it serves a great companion. n the lyrics to most of the songs r nice too. the one above is taken from Avril Lavigne's "Tomorrow."
I was just listening to Massive Attack's "Teardrop" as well as Norah Jone's "Come Away With Me" and that makes me feel really at peace.
Didnt watch the game last night. When I first woke up, it was 0230 hrs. Maths starts at 0300. So I went back to sleep. Next things, its 0525. Match's long finished. So I went back to sleep n woke up at 1100. Man, that wasnt gd. I had study plan for today n i blew the morning. it didnt help tt Newcastle lost, yet again, 2-3, this time a penalty goin against our way as supposedly Jenas committed a handball after being pushed by a player. Ah well, wats new.
I woke up feelin quite fucked. So i just sat down, had a quiet breakfast while readin the papers n chilled till 12. I was all set, but my body wasnt exactly functionin well, so took another hour to set stuff right. i think i put extra pressure on my arm durin the night coz i was feelin a nerve irritation on my right arm. it jus accumulates pain till i couldnt take it anymore. tt went off bit by bit n i finally got down for serious stuff. I'm quite happy tt i managed to do basic revision for thermal chemistry, electrochemistry, chemical n ionic equilibrium as well as reaction kinetics. Tt means in the past few nights, i've more or less done basic readin of inorganic n physical chem except juz for chemical bondin. i'm quite happy. but whether i've really learnt from them will b proven next wk when i attempt actual qtns. i might have to restudy electrochem. but all n all, gd productivity for today.
still feelin quite dazed n glum from yesterday, but couldve been shite worse. i guess the music n bloggin n some contacts in the net has made me feel a little better.
to get the physical jadedness out, played a little soccer. i didnt sweat like this for quite some time. pretty calm moves, flicks here n there. ive got a council match on 10th, but not sure whether i should play. i've got SAT the next morning n i dont wanna b tired followin the match. SAT verbal's bt concentration, a part i lacked which resulted in shit marks for verbal. i guess i'll see bout tt.
as usual, premiership weekend. gonna watch couple of matches tonight. usually i would take a break on sunday, but might do a little chem to finish up physical chem n some maths. mayb i should go get one french movie for the evening.
monday's gonna b another screwed up day. this time, i should get everythin back. mayb not chem. ah well y worry bt grades anymore, like it makes a diff.
"Live while you can,
Don't you see your dreams right in the palm of your hand
right in the palm of your hand,
right in the palm of your hand.
Just a day, just an ordinary day
Just tryin to get by"
Friday, September 26, 2003
"You beat your head upon your wall
You disconnect yourself from it all
Cause you know that you're so beautiful and so untouchable
And I want to get in so bad and I don't know how
And I don't know how"
I believe that everyone has an artist or a band that they can listen to that makes them feel better, even in times of despair, sadness, anger, ecstacy, etc. For me, that particular band thats the cure-all would be the Goo Goo Dolls. I'm feelin so fucked right now, but when i pop their album into my discman n start listening to them, it makes me feel as if i'm in a totally different world, receivin comfort juz for myself. n at tt instand, nothin else matters to u except for the music n urself. I dont know how to describe the effect fully, but it makes u feel so good, so calm, so serene. Its the only remedy that i can seek for in times like these.
What i did not post last night is a major news tt might affect me greatly in weeks to come. there's this cousin tt i have livin in Bangladesh, who hasnt even turned one if i'm not wrong, if not, two. he has some growth problem. so their family, who is related to my mom's side (the mother's a cousin of my mom, so tt makes the kids second generation cousins in a way) came over durin the SARS outbreak, tt i remember distinctively coz i was muggin for BT 1 at tt time. one look at the baby, n u could tell somethin was wrong wit him, but other than tt he was ok. juz tt he cried way too often n looked sick. after some testin n tryin to see whether there was excess fluid in his head, it was juz said tt he was sufferin from malnutrition. a big phew, coz tt can b resolved. so the family went back, fearin the SARS outbreak tt was drivin SG nuts. 2 days ago, my mom went to the doc to get a report for him or somethin n she received a bad news bt him. they said tt if his growth problem persists, he might not live long. brain development is everythin durin infancy. she juz cried n i couldnt do anythin. wat was i to do? this was a baby, to whom i was lookin forward to come back from sch juz to look n play n care for him. n his life was bein torn away coz of reasons yet unknown. the doc said tt they'll b havin phase to phase analysis but tt's not gonna b possible wit them goin back to Bangladesh. tt place is a hell lot worse place to raise a kid wif all the pollution n all. mayb tt's y. but i dont get it. how could they not detect this earlier? how could they not tell the signs earlier? its not easy, fine, but y? i'm juz askin the qtns as i go on. went to the mosque, really prayed tt somethin b done. if i'm to really believe in a religion, then the time is now, if somethin happens miraculously, then tt proves theres tt someone up there, or isnt there?
i'm afraid the process might dog me down in weeks to come, hopefully not durin the A's. there might b another scenario i gotta deal wit. tt's my proudly 102 yr old great grandpa, of my mom's family. accordin to my mom, he's rather doin badly as well n he might not make it till i get to go to Bangladesh after my A's. he's one of the most respected academic in Bangladesh, as I'm told. another generation up the ladder is another greatly respected man throughout the nation, someone great enough to b on the national stamp. i've got one kept at home. my family ladder seems v solid in terms of academic supremacy. is tt blood runnin in my streams? i'm led to believe tt's a no.
JC has effectively killed my interest in chemistry. honestly speakin, i can only study for physics n maths right now. the only factor tt'll determine my grades for chem in the A's will b my ability to 'memorise' organic chemistry. at the rate i'm goin, as ive said tons of times b4 in my previous blogs, i'll b happy wif CCC. i'm aimin for an A or B for phy, cant expect much for maths as As n the Bs will b taken up by those who does Further Maths n the other non FM maths maestros, n i'm not tt established in maths, but i'll try for a B or C. so tt leaves me with chem, tt's the memory subject i have. i'll try my best in the next 2 mths, coz i hope tt'll b the last i see of memory work. i finally passed GP albeit after moderation. so dependin on how it goes, coz i've not got all my papers back yet, i am currently lookin at COCOA. tt's if i manage to get an O for chem, but i'm likely to get a F tt's v close to an O. What the fuck am i doin. i've been doin a lot of maths practice n lot of readin for chem n i hope tt continues coz its buildin me up. if i go at this rate, i think i'll do juz ok. but juz ok isnt gd enough. i need more.
i was feelin very glum today, i hav no idea y. ive got no reason to b except tt its a bloody friday. we didnt get our phy p3 back, i didnt get to talk to Mr Mannan, we didnt get all of chem back (21.5/60 for P2, 37/75 for chem prac, was told markin was harsh) n the only gd thing was gettin to know our GP grade b4 monday. other than tt, u could see me not bein interested in life at all. ppl say prison kills a man. well, the prison is the school for me now n its killin me goin to sch to do nothin coz i cant do stuff at my own plan, own pace. juz get me outta this dump, i'll shout. i rather b at home studyin n practicin. tt contributed a lot to my stonin durin gp, my mind wonderin somewhere else while the teacher went through in depth analysis of the essay qtns. i passed my essay, but failed terribly in compre. ah well. after chem lesson, i left for mosque to never return. chem double period lect was juz torture to even consider.
Junwen came back today, n Junli finished her exams so i tot i could use some company. so i met Junwen after prayers for lunch at Farrer Market, him tellin me his great time at San Francisco n his renowned determination for everythin. way to go man, u can do it, keep tt fire alive. tt'll get u through hardest of times. Went over to Holland Village to meet up with Junli, who was obviously ecstatic tt her prelims ended, havin a whole wk of holiday to destress b4 the results n the eventual revision sinks in once again. seein how the two were so happy wif their lives right now, i decided i should keep the rigours to myself. i mean, y should i pull em down along wif me when their life's at a high? i hav my own ups n downs n i can deal wif tt myself too. its juz a phase, i'll pass it soon. but wat i did realise was tt tho i tried my best to talk up n stir up interestin conversation, my mind frequently popped outta my physical self. at moments, i could definately swear tt i could stare down at myself juz stonin while Junwen n Junli talked. i was tired, moody, stressed, worried, everythin u can think of.
someone might die, i might screw up, runnin outta time, physically n mentally need a break....
was supposed to go watch Forbidden City wit couple of ppl tonight, but we couldnt get the tickets. Marc suggested we go for dinner, which i was okay with. but wif the state of condition today, i juz coudnt make myself go. under normal circumstances, i wouldve gone gladly. but somehow, i didnt feel like it. not only tt, my dad's in Bangladesh right now, n he wouldnt like me to b outside havin dinner rather than lookin after my mom n bro at home. i've got a duty n responsibility too. i didnt feel it was right, while i supposed the trio of Denise, Koustav n Marc enjoyed, i didnt wanna bring the ambience down wif my condition. i juz decided to go home n rest.
i'm not complainin. everyone deals wif this every now n then. juz tt mine happened to pass now. not at a gd time.
another bombshell. Zeeshan, my classmate, a gd friend, SAJC's cricket captain, captain of under-19 national cricket team, paki, etc, etc.... is attached to Lin Yan, a fellow councillor! Zee had told me since OBS tt they were on gd terms, but i would've never expected the two to go 'together.' seein them today talkin n leavin sch, i could not help but feel happy for em. tts another attachment within my circle. off goes Junwen, Lionel, Zee, Utkarsh, Adeline, Clarisse, Wayne etc etc. its gd tt they've got some close company to spend some intimacy wit. i long for tt. but somehow i cant put my own pieces together. i dunno if i'm afraid to make the move or juz think it wont change much. besides, i'm leavin v soon, which makes no pt in me bein attached, esp when u gotta consider i'm uncertain bt comin back here. n overseas stuff r so hard to maintain. not tt i dun wanna, i'll definately put my all to it. its juz i guess the elements arent set in the right conditions yet. n i'm pretty much ok wif the way things r, coz even if somethin were to happen, these things wont change much n our lives will go on as per normal.
tts not wats botherin me. to realise tt someone close to u, or someone u considered close to u had been experiencin episodes of great amuse, struck me today. Junli supposedly has a friend who does stuff to himself tt sometimes even she was lost at wat to do. i personally was v surprised at this statement. how could i not know? y hadnt i asked? y didnt she tell me b4? when u find out stuff tt ur friends hasnt told u b4, u cant help but feel, hav i been so out of touch or could i juz not hav tot of these stuff? i'm not a gd conversationist, if theres such a word. i guess my relation wif my best friend, Hazril, has made me a listener rather than a talker. so i love to hear ppl talk to me. analyse their exp in my head n make them part of my own. tt's wat makes me today. ppls exp, converted to make it seem like i've experienced. hence, i usually tell ppl, if theyve got an issue, come talk to me, i'll juz listen n help u out if i can. but it isnt easy. ppl wont juz come up to u n talk. u gotta initiate the conversation. i cant do tt. n i think tts the reason y i'm missin out on a lot of ppl's stuff. ive always wanted to b tt somebody's friend u can juz talk to. i wanna get to tt level to everyone, but tt's technically not possible. so it kinda struck me findin out Junli had kept this traumatic episode from me. i dont blame u, dont worry Junli. its juz tt i feel i couldve done somethin. i kinda get upset when my close friends dont tell me stuff knowin they can talk to me, but they juz wont. i know its my job to go ask em wats wrong b4 they can tell me stuff. i hate to see ppl suffer on their own by keepin things entirely to em. its not right. so i let myself b the one who ppl can talk to, so tt at least ppl can feel a little better, knowin there's someone who cares to know n listen.
i guess my condition today wasnt the best of time to do such stuff. i was feelin so jaded after everythin, i got home, showered n had a nice 2-3 hrs sleep. when i woke up i felt so fucked i was swayin to the bathroom. but yea, got my act together, got myself composed.
Thanks Paulina for makin me feel a little better wit tt short chat on the net. tts the kinda things tt make a difference to me. i felt a lot better after tt, n of couse much better after blabberin everythin on this blog. juz a notice, this is my blog, i say watever i wanna say to comfort myself. nothin here is meant to b a direct insult or question to anyone. so juz read, dont qtn, coz its not meant to b a bitchin at anybody. juz a personal reflection to make me feel better. n it has worked.
might decide to watch tt Arsenal vs Newcastle match few hours later. doesnt matter whether we win or lose. juz wanna watch them play. i think ive now got the spirit to mug the whole of this wk. i'll do more maths n finish up physical as well as comprehend fully inorganic chem. i can do it, yes i can. alrite, lets see how the wkend goes.
You disconnect yourself from it all
Cause you know that you're so beautiful and so untouchable
And I want to get in so bad and I don't know how
And I don't know how"
I believe that everyone has an artist or a band that they can listen to that makes them feel better, even in times of despair, sadness, anger, ecstacy, etc. For me, that particular band thats the cure-all would be the Goo Goo Dolls. I'm feelin so fucked right now, but when i pop their album into my discman n start listening to them, it makes me feel as if i'm in a totally different world, receivin comfort juz for myself. n at tt instand, nothin else matters to u except for the music n urself. I dont know how to describe the effect fully, but it makes u feel so good, so calm, so serene. Its the only remedy that i can seek for in times like these.
What i did not post last night is a major news tt might affect me greatly in weeks to come. there's this cousin tt i have livin in Bangladesh, who hasnt even turned one if i'm not wrong, if not, two. he has some growth problem. so their family, who is related to my mom's side (the mother's a cousin of my mom, so tt makes the kids second generation cousins in a way) came over durin the SARS outbreak, tt i remember distinctively coz i was muggin for BT 1 at tt time. one look at the baby, n u could tell somethin was wrong wit him, but other than tt he was ok. juz tt he cried way too often n looked sick. after some testin n tryin to see whether there was excess fluid in his head, it was juz said tt he was sufferin from malnutrition. a big phew, coz tt can b resolved. so the family went back, fearin the SARS outbreak tt was drivin SG nuts. 2 days ago, my mom went to the doc to get a report for him or somethin n she received a bad news bt him. they said tt if his growth problem persists, he might not live long. brain development is everythin durin infancy. she juz cried n i couldnt do anythin. wat was i to do? this was a baby, to whom i was lookin forward to come back from sch juz to look n play n care for him. n his life was bein torn away coz of reasons yet unknown. the doc said tt they'll b havin phase to phase analysis but tt's not gonna b possible wit them goin back to Bangladesh. tt place is a hell lot worse place to raise a kid wif all the pollution n all. mayb tt's y. but i dont get it. how could they not detect this earlier? how could they not tell the signs earlier? its not easy, fine, but y? i'm juz askin the qtns as i go on. went to the mosque, really prayed tt somethin b done. if i'm to really believe in a religion, then the time is now, if somethin happens miraculously, then tt proves theres tt someone up there, or isnt there?
i'm afraid the process might dog me down in weeks to come, hopefully not durin the A's. there might b another scenario i gotta deal wit. tt's my proudly 102 yr old great grandpa, of my mom's family. accordin to my mom, he's rather doin badly as well n he might not make it till i get to go to Bangladesh after my A's. he's one of the most respected academic in Bangladesh, as I'm told. another generation up the ladder is another greatly respected man throughout the nation, someone great enough to b on the national stamp. i've got one kept at home. my family ladder seems v solid in terms of academic supremacy. is tt blood runnin in my streams? i'm led to believe tt's a no.
JC has effectively killed my interest in chemistry. honestly speakin, i can only study for physics n maths right now. the only factor tt'll determine my grades for chem in the A's will b my ability to 'memorise' organic chemistry. at the rate i'm goin, as ive said tons of times b4 in my previous blogs, i'll b happy wif CCC. i'm aimin for an A or B for phy, cant expect much for maths as As n the Bs will b taken up by those who does Further Maths n the other non FM maths maestros, n i'm not tt established in maths, but i'll try for a B or C. so tt leaves me with chem, tt's the memory subject i have. i'll try my best in the next 2 mths, coz i hope tt'll b the last i see of memory work. i finally passed GP albeit after moderation. so dependin on how it goes, coz i've not got all my papers back yet, i am currently lookin at COCOA. tt's if i manage to get an O for chem, but i'm likely to get a F tt's v close to an O. What the fuck am i doin. i've been doin a lot of maths practice n lot of readin for chem n i hope tt continues coz its buildin me up. if i go at this rate, i think i'll do juz ok. but juz ok isnt gd enough. i need more.
i was feelin very glum today, i hav no idea y. ive got no reason to b except tt its a bloody friday. we didnt get our phy p3 back, i didnt get to talk to Mr Mannan, we didnt get all of chem back (21.5/60 for P2, 37/75 for chem prac, was told markin was harsh) n the only gd thing was gettin to know our GP grade b4 monday. other than tt, u could see me not bein interested in life at all. ppl say prison kills a man. well, the prison is the school for me now n its killin me goin to sch to do nothin coz i cant do stuff at my own plan, own pace. juz get me outta this dump, i'll shout. i rather b at home studyin n practicin. tt contributed a lot to my stonin durin gp, my mind wonderin somewhere else while the teacher went through in depth analysis of the essay qtns. i passed my essay, but failed terribly in compre. ah well. after chem lesson, i left for mosque to never return. chem double period lect was juz torture to even consider.
Junwen came back today, n Junli finished her exams so i tot i could use some company. so i met Junwen after prayers for lunch at Farrer Market, him tellin me his great time at San Francisco n his renowned determination for everythin. way to go man, u can do it, keep tt fire alive. tt'll get u through hardest of times. Went over to Holland Village to meet up with Junli, who was obviously ecstatic tt her prelims ended, havin a whole wk of holiday to destress b4 the results n the eventual revision sinks in once again. seein how the two were so happy wif their lives right now, i decided i should keep the rigours to myself. i mean, y should i pull em down along wif me when their life's at a high? i hav my own ups n downs n i can deal wif tt myself too. its juz a phase, i'll pass it soon. but wat i did realise was tt tho i tried my best to talk up n stir up interestin conversation, my mind frequently popped outta my physical self. at moments, i could definately swear tt i could stare down at myself juz stonin while Junwen n Junli talked. i was tired, moody, stressed, worried, everythin u can think of.
someone might die, i might screw up, runnin outta time, physically n mentally need a break....
was supposed to go watch Forbidden City wit couple of ppl tonight, but we couldnt get the tickets. Marc suggested we go for dinner, which i was okay with. but wif the state of condition today, i juz coudnt make myself go. under normal circumstances, i wouldve gone gladly. but somehow, i didnt feel like it. not only tt, my dad's in Bangladesh right now, n he wouldnt like me to b outside havin dinner rather than lookin after my mom n bro at home. i've got a duty n responsibility too. i didnt feel it was right, while i supposed the trio of Denise, Koustav n Marc enjoyed, i didnt wanna bring the ambience down wif my condition. i juz decided to go home n rest.
i'm not complainin. everyone deals wif this every now n then. juz tt mine happened to pass now. not at a gd time.
another bombshell. Zeeshan, my classmate, a gd friend, SAJC's cricket captain, captain of under-19 national cricket team, paki, etc, etc.... is attached to Lin Yan, a fellow councillor! Zee had told me since OBS tt they were on gd terms, but i would've never expected the two to go 'together.' seein them today talkin n leavin sch, i could not help but feel happy for em. tts another attachment within my circle. off goes Junwen, Lionel, Zee, Utkarsh, Adeline, Clarisse, Wayne etc etc. its gd tt they've got some close company to spend some intimacy wit. i long for tt. but somehow i cant put my own pieces together. i dunno if i'm afraid to make the move or juz think it wont change much. besides, i'm leavin v soon, which makes no pt in me bein attached, esp when u gotta consider i'm uncertain bt comin back here. n overseas stuff r so hard to maintain. not tt i dun wanna, i'll definately put my all to it. its juz i guess the elements arent set in the right conditions yet. n i'm pretty much ok wif the way things r, coz even if somethin were to happen, these things wont change much n our lives will go on as per normal.
tts not wats botherin me. to realise tt someone close to u, or someone u considered close to u had been experiencin episodes of great amuse, struck me today. Junli supposedly has a friend who does stuff to himself tt sometimes even she was lost at wat to do. i personally was v surprised at this statement. how could i not know? y hadnt i asked? y didnt she tell me b4? when u find out stuff tt ur friends hasnt told u b4, u cant help but feel, hav i been so out of touch or could i juz not hav tot of these stuff? i'm not a gd conversationist, if theres such a word. i guess my relation wif my best friend, Hazril, has made me a listener rather than a talker. so i love to hear ppl talk to me. analyse their exp in my head n make them part of my own. tt's wat makes me today. ppls exp, converted to make it seem like i've experienced. hence, i usually tell ppl, if theyve got an issue, come talk to me, i'll juz listen n help u out if i can. but it isnt easy. ppl wont juz come up to u n talk. u gotta initiate the conversation. i cant do tt. n i think tts the reason y i'm missin out on a lot of ppl's stuff. ive always wanted to b tt somebody's friend u can juz talk to. i wanna get to tt level to everyone, but tt's technically not possible. so it kinda struck me findin out Junli had kept this traumatic episode from me. i dont blame u, dont worry Junli. its juz tt i feel i couldve done somethin. i kinda get upset when my close friends dont tell me stuff knowin they can talk to me, but they juz wont. i know its my job to go ask em wats wrong b4 they can tell me stuff. i hate to see ppl suffer on their own by keepin things entirely to em. its not right. so i let myself b the one who ppl can talk to, so tt at least ppl can feel a little better, knowin there's someone who cares to know n listen.
i guess my condition today wasnt the best of time to do such stuff. i was feelin so jaded after everythin, i got home, showered n had a nice 2-3 hrs sleep. when i woke up i felt so fucked i was swayin to the bathroom. but yea, got my act together, got myself composed.
Thanks Paulina for makin me feel a little better wit tt short chat on the net. tts the kinda things tt make a difference to me. i felt a lot better after tt, n of couse much better after blabberin everythin on this blog. juz a notice, this is my blog, i say watever i wanna say to comfort myself. nothin here is meant to b a direct insult or question to anyone. so juz read, dont qtn, coz its not meant to b a bitchin at anybody. juz a personal reflection to make me feel better. n it has worked.
might decide to watch tt Arsenal vs Newcastle match few hours later. doesnt matter whether we win or lose. juz wanna watch them play. i think ive now got the spirit to mug the whole of this wk. i'll do more maths n finish up physical as well as comprehend fully inorganic chem. i can do it, yes i can. alrite, lets see how the wkend goes.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
"But your eyes look away
It's so hard to be someone
Strung out from today
And all that you knew slips away"
Hmm.. its already 25th Sept. I had forgotten so much tt i'm sittin for SAT I on the 11th Oct n havent started practicing with all the maths n chem. I really wanna do good so tt gettin into gd uni will b easier. right now, i've got nothin to show n if i continue that way, i'll juz end up in cold Marquette or chillin under the Texas sun. I juz wanna get into gd one, n settle for it. I'm startin to freak out coz i'm realisin how little time we have. next thing i know, i'm dismissed from sch for good, next day, SAT I, few days later, chem prac, a week later, phy prac, couple wks later, SAT II, few days n A Levels begin. wat the fuck is goin on. n i'm so not ready. Considerin my status now, i'll b better off not takin A's coz there's no chance i'll do well except for Phy. Maths, i'm tryin my best, but i think most i can ask is a C. Chemistry, i'm ok wif physical n doin my best for inorganic, but wat will ultimately determine my chem grade is my organic n options.
the a level timetable seems to b in my favour. maths will end by third day, which leaves enough time to seriously mug for chem n phy. most of phy r like last few papers, so i'll consolidate on my gd topics n capitalise on my weaker ones so tt i can spare time for chem revision. this is so gettin into me. next few wks gonna b a tough ride. n i'm already on the verge of snappin.
goin to sch is utterly useless. i understand they wanna help us by givin work, but i wanna do things at my own pace n plan. last thing i need is tutors givin us work n expect to complete it while we're studyin n revisin. its insane. it totally shifys my own plan off course. i dun wanna go to sch, not like i hav any choice not to. tomorrow, i'll finalise my phy grades, n get some stuffin for chemistry n monday, i'll get my GP back. i really need to manage my time now. i guess i hav the wkend to do some serious chem n maths. i wanna get my physical n inorganic done n over wit by middle of next wk. maths, i'm doin quite well wif the nov papers, but i could do faster. n its only p1 for christ's sake. wat abt p2. i still need to study vectors n complex from the start.
arghhh....
ok, i'm takin it bit by bit. i know i can n i know i will. days r juz so slow n tirin i cant take it anymore. if anythin, then Newcastle thrashin NAC Breda 5-0 in UEFA Cup First Round First Leg should b an inspiration, only not to b surprised if we get fucked by Arsenal come Saturday mornin.
bla, i'm too hassled to continue. mayb i'll do a reflection when i've calmed down n got time to think things through.
It's so hard to be someone
Strung out from today
And all that you knew slips away"
Hmm.. its already 25th Sept. I had forgotten so much tt i'm sittin for SAT I on the 11th Oct n havent started practicing with all the maths n chem. I really wanna do good so tt gettin into gd uni will b easier. right now, i've got nothin to show n if i continue that way, i'll juz end up in cold Marquette or chillin under the Texas sun. I juz wanna get into gd one, n settle for it. I'm startin to freak out coz i'm realisin how little time we have. next thing i know, i'm dismissed from sch for good, next day, SAT I, few days later, chem prac, a week later, phy prac, couple wks later, SAT II, few days n A Levels begin. wat the fuck is goin on. n i'm so not ready. Considerin my status now, i'll b better off not takin A's coz there's no chance i'll do well except for Phy. Maths, i'm tryin my best, but i think most i can ask is a C. Chemistry, i'm ok wif physical n doin my best for inorganic, but wat will ultimately determine my chem grade is my organic n options.
the a level timetable seems to b in my favour. maths will end by third day, which leaves enough time to seriously mug for chem n phy. most of phy r like last few papers, so i'll consolidate on my gd topics n capitalise on my weaker ones so tt i can spare time for chem revision. this is so gettin into me. next few wks gonna b a tough ride. n i'm already on the verge of snappin.
goin to sch is utterly useless. i understand they wanna help us by givin work, but i wanna do things at my own pace n plan. last thing i need is tutors givin us work n expect to complete it while we're studyin n revisin. its insane. it totally shifys my own plan off course. i dun wanna go to sch, not like i hav any choice not to. tomorrow, i'll finalise my phy grades, n get some stuffin for chemistry n monday, i'll get my GP back. i really need to manage my time now. i guess i hav the wkend to do some serious chem n maths. i wanna get my physical n inorganic done n over wit by middle of next wk. maths, i'm doin quite well wif the nov papers, but i could do faster. n its only p1 for christ's sake. wat abt p2. i still need to study vectors n complex from the start.
arghhh....
ok, i'm takin it bit by bit. i know i can n i know i will. days r juz so slow n tirin i cant take it anymore. if anythin, then Newcastle thrashin NAC Breda 5-0 in UEFA Cup First Round First Leg should b an inspiration, only not to b surprised if we get fucked by Arsenal come Saturday mornin.
bla, i'm too hassled to continue. mayb i'll do a reflection when i've calmed down n got time to think things through.
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